Blog entry for:

without my defects of character and the shortcomings that arise from them? the reading speaks of my FEAR of letting go of who i think i am and goes on the imply that many of my defects of characters and shortcomings are the result of FEAR. what i heard, this morning, is that the courage that i need to takes steps six and seven, is an uncommon trait, even in those who are not addicts. one of the many things i have learned since walking in the doors is that courage and being without fear are not the same thing. as i was talking to another addict last night, i wondered what exactly they were so fearful of and why they continued to act in a manner that made them feel “dirty.” i did not come up with an answer and presented no solutions, because i have found that treating my peers as adults and not coming down on them form “on high,” allows them to find the path they need to find. i have found that i learn my lesson better, if i am allowed to slip and fall, rather than be guided by the hand through those treacherous passes that fill my life and my recovery journey. living a life of constant motion and distraction is so unappealing to me these days, i am not certain how others can stand to do so. for me, there is absolutely nothing wrong with sitting still, because i am not afraid to be alone with myself for a bit of time. there is no looming boogie man, waiting to bounce, if i stop running around. there is no evil succubus waiting to suck the life from me, if i choose to spend some quiet time alone. honestly i get more form my social interactions with others, when i am NOT using them to just fill the empty spaces in my life.
i speak of the here and now, for me, it was learning how to allow people into my life. i liked life alone and isolated, hiding in the bathroom and not needing a whole lot of social interaction. the less i had to deal with people, the better my chances of not getting hurt. learning to allow someone, anyone into my life was my journey forward. allowing my life to fill with activities instead of dismissing any and all invitations to do something, has been the direction i am learning to turn towards. for me, it was the FEAR of pain and suffering at the hands of others that drove my shortcomings, and becoming open, honest and a member of, i the direction i have been headed since the day i finally drank the Kool-Ade and became a member of the fellowship that has become my life. i honestly believe that i am arriving at a place in my recovery where i can be alone with my thoughts and not have a needle in my arm of a micro-brew in my hand. vigilance means i make conscious choices in my recovery, rather than walking around in the fear of the hammer dropping and decimating my life in a total firestorm. i can picture a life where i am not afraid to be myself, where i need not be the biggest and the baddest and where i no longer have to front what i am not. this set of steps is more about being awake for the recovery part of my journey through life, than i have ever been before. the time has come to stop living in the magical and miraculous world of it jut works and figure out what it is i NEED to do, to keep it working. basically what i am coming to see, is that the time has come to ask is this really helping me, or do i just do it because i have always told i NEEDED to do it. should be an interesting trip through the steps and although i am afraid of what i might uncover ↬. that i am now and have always been a superstitious, ignorant, and bigoted peasant, perhaps i will be pleasantly surprised that is not the case, or even better that is not who i have to continue to be. no matter what, i have come too far down the line from being released of my social retardation to stop the process now.
damn the FEAR, full speed ahead!

∞ DT ∞