Blog entry for:

especially when the direction is designed to help me grow. quite the morning. i am having trouble with my motivation to get started on my daily tasks. however, that has little to do with taking direction, so as i am more motivated to write this entry this morning, i will go down the path of the any lengths topic.
the reading speaks to my willingness to do whatever it took to get the ways and means to get high while i was in active addiction. it also speaks to my level of willingness to do whatever it takes to maintain my active recovery. most of the time i am pretty good, i take direction, i do the stuff i need to do on a daily basis and in general i am a pretty good egg when it comes to this recovery going. the habits i have formed were a result of FEAR, the fear of being a newcomer again. when i was fresh in recovery, life sucked, or so it felt way back when. i had the desire and felt the NEED to use, and it took every bit of will i had, as well as the will of a POWER greater than me, to stay clean in the heinous early days. over time, the basis of my program moved away from FEAR and into HOPE, and as a hope-based program, it is far easier to be willing, as well as far easier to let those early habits slip away. as awful as it sounds, FEAR seems to be a greater factor for motivating me than HOPE. that statement in and of itself, is more than a little disconcerting to me. it would seem, that a so called positive factor would be a better condition for motivation than a so-called negative one, and yet as i consider where i am, i see that quite plainly FEAR and PAIN move me further than GROWTH and HOPE. i could spend hours puzzling over this, and i am sure that some mental health professional could tell me why. the why is not important this morning, as i have found in recovery, the whys really do not matter, results for me come from asking questions that begin with HOW! so the question this morning appears to be, HOW DO I RETURN TO MY LEVEL OF WILLINGNESS IN A HOPE-BASED PROGRAM? the short answer is keep doing what i am doing and more will be revealed. so on that note, i do believe i will hope in the shower and get rolling on this morning, secure in the knowledge that if i allow myself to be willing, i will be able to continue to practice a program of active recovery, just for today.

∞ DT ∞