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when i first came to recovery, i was hardly willing to go to any lengths to get clean. i constantly searched for loopholes and the ways and means to disqualify myself from having to do certain things. when i read the steps there were definitely four of them that i would NEVER, EVER work. there were also many concepts that i could not accept among them that there had to be some sort of HIGHER POWER or that i was insane. if my sponsor had told me to push a peanut down the street with my nose while wearing fishnet stockings and high heel shoes, i would have strongly encouraged him to perform an impossible sexual act on himself and walked away. nevertheless, i stayed around and finally became willing to open my mind.
today, when i work with newcomers i remember those early days and the loving encouragement my sponsor gave me to guide me gently into an attitude where my mind would open up and i would become more willing to take direction. i want to be a hard-ass with my sponsees and FORCE them to do what i find is necessary to stay clean on a daily basis but am i have discovered there is a streak of fierce independence runs through addicts in general, so i just comment ‘if you want what i have, you need to do what i do’ and leave it at that. i have to make a daily investment in my recovery to stay clean today and the dividends that investment pays are the spiritual and material gifts that i accumulate on a daily basis. does this mean i will go to any lengths today? well.... maybe, i am more of the sort that does whatever it takes and still look for the easier, softer way. not writing on my step work? well there is always tomorrow. skipping my daily inventory? well i am not as bad as i used to be, so i can take a few nights off. sleeping in late and rushing off to work without praying and meditating? well it has been more than a couple of days since i got clean so i have a bit of grace. and the lies and rationalizations go on and on until suddenly i discover myself high and wondering what happened.
my experience is that i must continue to do those simple things just to maintain my daily remission from active addiction, so i need to change my focus from doing the minimum amount of work to stay clean and get the attitude of going to any lengths.
BTW -- i am still not willing to do the peanut, fishnet thing -- THANK GOD i do not have to stay clean!
∞ DT ∞