💡 just get me out 💨
Posted: Thu, May 5, 2022 07:12:36 AM
is a very familiar refrain, dating back to well before i was so consumed by active addiction that i could not see how to get through a day, without a little something, something to take the edge off. taking direction, listening for the voice of the POWER that fuels my recovery, being in touch with who i am and being present in the lives of those around me, is just what i do. i still am very poor at making “small talk” and when someone asks me about my opinion on the weather to open a conversation, i know they are unwilling to talk about anything of real value or substance. on this day after Star Wars day twenty-twenty-two, i am feeling okay about my job, my relationships with the world and what i seem to be getting in the way of what i need. yes i whined yesterday about having to eat better, BUT that is the next phase of learning to respect myself and continue down the path towards a healthier me. the reading reminded me this morning that when i got clean, i was screaming at the top of my spiritual lungs to be rescued once again from my own folly.
what bubbled up through the chaff this morning was not about taking direction and my resistance to going to any length to live a program of active recovery, even though that is a HUGE part of my story. what came over me was a sense that the time has once again come to pick a direction and allow myself to grow along whatever path that direction happens to lead. i have been lost in a wilderness of not knowing who i am, thanks to the explosive inventory process of a year ago. two different jobs and lots of uncertainty in my life has led me to a pl;ace where i want to uncover who i really am and walk with my head high, across the landscape. it is certainly a relief to not have to play a “part” even if it looks like “devoted son” is the one i am playing. what many who see do not realize, the part i am truly playing is showing up and doing for someone what they are unable to do for themselves. i do not do anything that they are capable of doing, as i no longer need the “strokes” i could get if i chose to enable them. their approval is neither required nor desired, no matter how tightly they seem to cling to the notion that is what i desire.
on this the ninth anniversary of our fuzzy friend, Daisy's, birth date, i know like her, i required a long drive to get to some where safe. somewhere i could grow old in the comfort of a loving home. her journey started in Killeen Texas but coming across the scorched spiritual landscape from active addiction, was probably at least as far and as challenging for me, as that ride in the back of a car was for her. it is however, time for me to hit the streets and get some miles under my belt, just for today, i am okay with where this journey is taking me.
what bubbled up through the chaff this morning was not about taking direction and my resistance to going to any length to live a program of active recovery, even though that is a HUGE part of my story. what came over me was a sense that the time has once again come to pick a direction and allow myself to grow along whatever path that direction happens to lead. i have been lost in a wilderness of not knowing who i am, thanks to the explosive inventory process of a year ago. two different jobs and lots of uncertainty in my life has led me to a pl;ace where i want to uncover who i really am and walk with my head high, across the landscape. it is certainly a relief to not have to play a “part” even if it looks like “devoted son” is the one i am playing. what many who see do not realize, the part i am truly playing is showing up and doing for someone what they are unable to do for themselves. i do not do anything that they are capable of doing, as i no longer need the “strokes” i could get if i chose to enable them. their approval is neither required nor desired, no matter how tightly they seem to cling to the notion that is what i desire.
on this the ninth anniversary of our fuzzy friend, Daisy's, birth date, i know like her, i required a long drive to get to some where safe. somewhere i could grow old in the comfort of a loving home. her journey started in Killeen Texas but coming across the scorched spiritual landscape from active addiction, was probably at least as far and as challenging for me, as that ride in the back of a car was for her. it is however, time for me to hit the streets and get some miles under my belt, just for today, i am okay with where this journey is taking me.
∞ DT ∞