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to go to any lengths, to stay clean today!? as odd as that question may sound to someone like me, who has thousands of days in a row clean, when i consider it, as an addict, i can see that it really is not from somewhere in the neighborhood of Tau Ceti f. asking myself what lengths i am willing to go to, today, to stay clean, is a perfectly sane question. there is no fake news here, i am an addict, and if left to my own devices for long enough, i will use. case in point, during my 10TH STEP exercises, i flashed on my putting a dope pipe to my lips and inhaling. this was after a fulfilling a service commitment and feeling all serene and spiritual. what i took away from that little dip into my barely subconscious mind, was that yes, no matter how long i stay clean, i still am prone to more than just an idle thought about using.
part of what may have “triggered” my using flash last night, was thew insistence of one of the men at the meeting on the use of language in the fellowship in general. he was put off, by the fact that most members identify as being addicts. he believed that maybe that term needed to be soften by modifiers. specifically, he seemed to be of the opinion, that once one gets clean and becomes a member, one should use the term “recovering addict,” to identify oneself. my partner in service. explained to him he did not use any modifiers to the term addict, when identifying, and even though i could have added a whole lot more, his answer was succinct and spot on, so i left as it was, and the addict in question seemed to have a bit of a spiritual awakening.
i can say without any doubt, why i do not modify or make clever little jokes when i identify in meetings, but i cannot say why anyone else does. for me, addiction is a deadly serious notion, that never seems to go away. for far too long, i was living in denial and had built up a belief structure that was buttressed by my choice of language, especially when i described myself. when i got clean, i was one of those that found a hundred clever little ways to identify myself in meetings, that softened the blow to my ego and deflected me from the reality of what i was and what addiction meant to me. additionally, it helped me to maintain my terminal uniqueness, after all, if i was not just an addict, than maybe, just maybe, i did not belong on the rooms of 12 step fellowships. it was a Jedi mind trick, i was trying to apply to keep myself from succumbing to the horrors of active recovery, such as: taking responsibility for my life and recovery, feeling, acting in accordance with my values, and becoming vulnerable. it really is no wonder that it took me so long to finally accept myself as part of the fold. for me, softening the “blow” and separating myself from the pack, is a dangerous track to start rolling down. i am after all, already separated by clean time and history as one of those who remembers back when there was but a single meeting in my home town.
ah, but that was then and this is now and life in my local fellowship is way different than it was “back in the day.” i could go on, but today, i have to BE willing to do whatever it takes to stay clean. that little flash of active using, during part of my spiritual practice was more than a bit jarring last night. it was, more than likely, a wake-up call. i needed to remind myself that even with seven thousand one hundred and seventy six days clean, i am still an addict, an ordinary, run-of-the-mill, garden variety addict. nothing more, in this respect and certainly nothing less, and IF i desire, another day clean, i NEED to be willing to do whatever it takes to do so.

∞ DT ∞