Blog entry for:

it mean to me to go to any lengths to stay clean? once upon a time, it meant living in abject FEAR of undesirable consequences and walking on eggshells when it came to relating my **using** experiences, in anything but a **negative** light. part of living in FEAR was the stress of doing the next wrong thing and what i might mean for an addict who may have had the desire to stay clean, sort of, but not the willingness to do everything it took to do so, stay clean that is. i would comply, say all the right things and generally **look like** i was doing this recovery gig, but in reality, it was all a sham to lull everyone, including myself, into believing that i **got** this.
even after i finally had the desire to be a member and stay clean, no matter what, FEAR ruled my life and becoming a big fish in a small pond was my distraction from living under that cloud. i pretended to be walking a path of recovery, because i wanted to, rather than because i was afraid of what would happen, if i deviated in the slightest. it was not the best years of my life, although in the long run, my slavish devotion to “looking like” the model of the recovering addict, built a base of habits that sustain me to this day. going to any lengths today, include maintaining my connection to the fellowship, no matter how awkward or weird virtual meetings may feel to me.
there is certainly parts of me, that wonder how far i can wander off the straight and narrow, before i end up using. there are also parts of me, that find the daily maintenance parts of my program, make my life better. somewhere in the middle, the question arises as to whether or not i NEED to attend any meetings at all. can i sustain my recovery, without the connection of my fellowship. one of my peers has decided that for them, they need 30 minute “recovery” sessions on the phone with their close and trusted associates. i do not seem to get anything out of participating in those one-on-one sessions, and wonder if i should just let them drop off the edge of the world. they feel awkward, artificial and forced to me, and the meeting is have been attending on-line feel so much more reality based and vibrant. the question then arises, if that is the case, maybe i am missing a key ingredient in these weekly phone calls and need to seek within myself, the desire to look for that “something more.” certainly a point to ponder as i dash off to get some steps in, this chilly May morning:
what exactly does it mean to me, right here and right now, to go to any lengths to sustain my program of recovery? more will certainly be revealed.

∞ DT ∞