Blog entry for:

well, when i got here, not so much. today, most of the time, without a doubt. yet, there are times in nearly every day when i question the value of abstinence and the effort i put into my recovery.
before i go on and really get into this, my daily effort does not really consist of all that much. twenty or so minutes in the morning, praying, reading the literature, meditating and writing this little ditty; and less than twenty minutes in the evening doing my inventory and praying. so all in all 40 minutes a day, nearly every day, which leads me to an interesting observation, exactly how much time did i put into the getting and using and finding the means to get more on a daily basis. i would wager those activities, consumed a whole bunch more than 40 minutes on a daily basis. of course, i did not add into my daily time consumption the time i spend at meetings, working with my sponsor, working with the men i sponsor, service work and step work. even with all of those added in, i would still believe that doing what it takes to stay clean, still consumes less time than using.
where is all of this leading to? well, i often tell myself i am too busy to bother with recovery. time is after all, one of my most precious resources, so when i do these kind of cost benefit calculations, time is always the first cost i examine. of course the whole benefit sides of these calculations i skewed by what i remember and what i have going on now, and is so subjective that, for me, it usually comes down to recovery is more beneficial that addiction. even though, i still liked using, right to the end. even though, i did not want to be here. even though i came in the easier, softer way. in the scheme of things addiction was killing me, and recovery is providing me the means to live. evener though all of that is true, i still sometime believe that going to any lengths to stay clean is not a good idea and i balk and rebel at the ideas and suggestions expressed by those members in the fellowship, who have something to offer me.
i never know who those members may be, in fact last night it was a member who was not even a member yet, that gave me the gift of the desire to go to any lengths. yes, i actually spoke to a newcomer after the meeting, and i believe i was for a change warm and welcoming. i do believe that i actually did what i i said i going to do, and did it to the best of my ability and then let go of the results. it is true, that i missed some TV, as i spent time talking, BUT i really did not miss all that much. what i got was a reminded of who i was and could be, IF I CHOOSE TO start shorting my effort to be in active recovery, in the here and now. the notion that the facts of life have changed for me, is a strong one. the FACT of the matter is, unless i want to return to my previous incarnation, of the shell of a person i was, i NEED to prioritize my life to fit into my recovery schedule. which quite neatly brings me back to the top, there is absolutely no reason why i should not go to any lengths to stay clean today, and there are a myriad of reasons why i should go to any lengths, the most important being that i deserve to do whatever it takes. i am after all, worth every jot of effort i can put into my recovery.

∞ DT ∞