Blog entry for:

open-minded and ready to take direction as i NEED to be. ironically, i hear that all the time from my peers, from myself and even from the men who call me their sponsor, and then all of the above go and make some sort of selfish, stupid bone-headed move. worst part? we all whine about how terrible the consequences of the decision we made end up being. we then throw the blame to someone, anyone, in hopes of deflecting some of the pain of the terribly inconvenient and bitter truth.
if only… i should have… why me…
the unfortunate part of all of this, is i have a very specific incident in mind, but i will not go in to details. suffice it to say, that this is a classic example of biting the hand that feeds you. i ca]n also say that over the TENTH and ELEVENTH STEP cycles of the past two days, i have got a bit of clarity about what my role is and will need to be moving forward and most importantly avoiding the abyss that is lurking at the edge of the calm that is my life. i certainly DESIRE to step in and muck around in the mud, but today, i feel it is better not to.
on open-mindedness? well i am a stubborn sort and i certainly felt i knew what was right for me, when i walked into the rooms. those seven months of posing as a “clean” addict and the eighteen months posing as a recovering addict, taught me more than a thing or two about how to do things wrongly. i certainly learned how to sound and look good, a freaking paragon of spiritual virtue, as it were, but bereft of any sort of real recovery in my life. everything was more important and all i wanted to do is look good. i refused to rely on the kindness of strangers and did everything i could to keep my distance from the freak show, i saw 12 STEP fellowships to be. if not for the external forces in my life, i certainly would have never stayed clean. in this period of my recovery career, being open-minded and willing to take direction was part of the act i put on. “sure i will think about doing that,” i would say, when i was thinking: “never in a hundred years sucker!”
it is no wonder that today, what i lacked back then, has been addressed and implemented in my life. it is not that i march lock-step with all my peers, nor that i instantly accept what my sponse suggests that i do, but i at least entertain the notion and as i have discovered, actually try them out. as i stay clean and as i progress in my recovery, i have become a bit less “set in my ways.” i have finally come to accept that maybe what someone else is saying has value and YES i do not know what the best course of action may be for me right now. it certainly is not thinking that initiating a preemptive strike, is the way to go. after all, what i perceive is damage that may be corrected by some selfish act, may actually end up causing me REAL harm because i escalated a conflict.
it is time however to get rolling into the shower and get really ready to work from home. Cinco de Mayo or not, it is a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞