Blog entry for:

well, maybe! just a quick little cynical witticism to start this off, this morning. yes, there was once a time when the argument of what i would do to get high was an excellent measure of how far i would go to stay clean. these days, i wonder if that is still an apt comparison. what does still hold true for me, is that when i close my mind to what my peers, friends and acquaintances are telling me, then i become ready to spin down into whatever awaits me. i was pondering something i heard the other night at the meeting and wondering, “how do i really know that i am an addict?” that notion started when another member shared about someone they had run into, who seemed to be able to do just a little bit of sumthin', sumthin' every now and again. what got me thinking, and thinking was, could that be me, after all, if clean-time is any indication, i should be way past the danger zone by now. that is the fact that tells me that i am far from cured. what others do or say, about addiction and mind and mood altering substances, is on them. for me, even the thought that i MIGHT be able to use socially tells me i am not one of those. i am more than certain, that members of that group, do not think about when they will be able to use again, or if they can use successfully, they just use, and walk away. my ex-wife was certainly one of those, even though when we were together, she used with the best of us. and yet, when it came time to get her life together, she did. she walked away and never looked back, although her parents sent her to treatment, all she most likely needed was a change of scenery. i am not however, one of those, as i am more than certain that those who use and are not addicts, can grow through whatever phase they are going through and move on to bigger and better things like having a life, a family a career and all the trappings of the American way of life.
which brings me back to the top, what exactly am i willing to do today, to stay clean? well first off, i do not hang out at places i am fairly certain that there will be people using, including but not limited pool halls and bars. secondly i hold on tight to my recovery and practice an active program of recovery, daily, by doing the stuff i need to do, to keep my side of the street clean and my house in order, to hit the notes of a few ancient bromides. finally, i admit and concede to myself that i am powerless over addiction and the only reason my life has any manageability today, is because i have not used today. i can play Jedi mind tricks on myself, and think that maybe if this happens, such as a couple of decades clean, things will be different, but then i am caving into the addict that is me, and with that act, any lengths, quickly becomes more and more less likely. i happen to like what i am today, and i think that no matter what, i am not going to use, just for today.

∞ DT ∞