Blog entry for:

the help of thew POWER that fuels my recovery? or better put, why do i find it so difficult to accept the spiritual side of life on this side of the dirt? i seem to constantly be battling this, in fact a friend mentioned this the other day, when i told her that i bought myself a rock to help me progress spiritually, when i was on vacation. she said that i was coming around, i quickly countered that i liked the way it looked and after reading about it, in two or three different stores, finally bought one, to carry with me. she told me that every now and again, i NEED to shut down the left side of my brain and just accept. all of this reminds me of the Meatloaf song that includes the lyric, “i will do anything for love,m BUT i wonĵt do that!”
when it comes to the less rational side of recovery, read SPIRITUAL, i have more than an issue with accepting stuff. i want, i desire and i seek an explanation for everything and when i come to accept something that does not fit into that paradigm, and i do, i dismiss it with, i guess that is just how it works. not really acceptance and probably not even close to tolerance, just an accommodation with what is and is not. ironically, there is a whole boat load of stuff i accept on FAITH, when it comes to recovery. ideas like, i cannot stay clean on my own power, that i cannot not use no matter what and that somehow, this is the path that i am supposed to be on. there really is not rational explanation for any of that, but the overwhelming body of evidence suggests that is the truth for me. yes, science seems to be coming to the conclusion that addiction is an inherent part of me, and that using triggers a cascade of brain chemistry that drives me to use more, so not using no matter what, is the only path i have to avoid a life of active addiction. that is the i will do anything bit. i have even come to accept that there is some POWER, beyond my explanation and rational thought, that fuels my recovery. which for was a gigantic leap of FAITH. when it come to me becoming spiritual however and trusting my intuition, there is a disconnect. intuition feels like superstition to me, and i have worked hard to rid my life of superstitious behaviors and actions. it started before i ever tripped the active addiction part of my physical being and was carefully nurtured throughout my active addiction. i do remember more than once asking for divine intervention, more than once when my ass was in a sling, but i never got the help i wanted, and it just added to whole rational side of me, that religion was just a codified set of superstition, hence not something that was for me. since in my mind, spiritual was all that psychic and new age stuff, it too was religious in more than one sense, hence superstitious and born of ignorance. so when i was told that this is a spiritual not religious path, way back when, i already had made up my mind that i was not going to drink that Kool-Ade, and would probably not last here any longer than it took to be compliant with the courts.
so here i sit, sixteen years after the fact, writing about the spiritual program that has become my way of life, dealing with the cognitive difference between what is and what i think is. yes, quite a delicious and juicy irony! oh, i can rationalize and justify that fact any way i want to, but the fact is, i have come to accept most of a whole package that is so far from what i thought i would ever be capable of, that it is astounding. it has even risen to a level of religion in some sense, as i stay clean and that is where the critical thinking has to kick in. in reality, i am more than certain that i would have been dead or incarcerated had i not found the program when i did. my evidence for this conclusion, is the addicts in my life who are using, even after they have been exposed to the program. calling someone to bring me a bottle of booze, because i am on an electronically enforced curfew and need to come down, sounds like a perfectly reasonable thing to do. finding the ways and means to feed my need to get high, regardless of the consequences sounds rational to me, after all, reality sucks and if anyone else had the life i did, than they would use like i use. there is the mirror of a life that could be mine, if i choose to return to active addiction. not at all attractive to me, right here and right now. i have what i have, including emotional and spiritual health because i choose to do whatever it takes and not despite it. yes i can even see myself arguing that it IS the spiritual, and unexplainable side of me, that keeps me accepting this way of life and although that seems a bit much to swallow, it is for me, the reality of my life today.
i have gone on long enough, i may not have convinced any of you, but for me, i see that even though it may not feel rational, the spiritual side of me, is where the program of recovery resides, left brain or right brain it is all the seem, doing this gig, day by day, to the best of my ability, is what this is all about. off into the real world to get some stuff done. it is a great day to be clean and not be a slave to active addition.

∞ DT ∞