Blog entry for:

if i do not take time to appreciate both, perhaps i will miss something that will help me grow. okay, this certainly can be the entry point into periodic exercise in the whole i have never died from a feeling mind dump. it could be, but this morning i have a different direction to go, so that being said i can move on.
of course, there is always the direction of attaching value judgments to the events and feeling i have in the course of daily life, but unless i am mistaken, i have been there and done that also.
so where does that leave me? well at the top level, being present for what is going on in my life. i probably have written about that as well, but that was what i heard as i sat quietly and listened to what was going on this morning. for me, when i stop to evaluate and judge a feeling, an event or an outcome to my footwork. i lose the opportunity to just be there. yes, i know this is getting to sound like a broken record, this whole ‘being present’ gig. it may be, BUT for me, this is a whole new way of living. i may have attempted to be present in the past, certainly since coming to recovery, but i never made any conscious effort at it. i just took it a some serendipitous occurrence, over which i had no power -- yes it probably was one of those things i listed in my 1ST Step. as i grow, as i progress, and especially after the last set of steps, being present is a skill i have learned to develop. i am by no means well practiced at it, and it has yet to become my default state of living, HOWEVER, each time i consciously make the choice to shut down the judgment machine. i get a little bit better at being in the here and now, or in the vernacular i have been using being present.
the reading spoke to me in that manner today. it has been a long time since i heard something new in this passage, but this morning i was reminded that i do have a self-development project ongoing, that does not include miles and miles of pounding concrete and asphalt. like other things recovery related, it is easier for me to detect when i am NOT doing something. what i heard reminded me that, if i find myself assigning value to my feelings or events than i am probably not being present, and i may be missing an opportunity to be more than i was when i woke up this morning and hopped out of bed. the symptom of not being present, is the presence of the judge in my head. of course detecting that symptom is in and of itself another exercise in being present and who knows where that particular snake will finally ingest it's tail. yes as i dive further into this, it gets more and more convoluted and eventually i end up being so confused that i do not know if i am coming or going. the solution for this is for me to lighten up and just be, present not present or whatever. the answers will come to me, if i do not force them. that has been my experience to date, and i have FAITH today, that process will continue. on that note, i will close by saying i know feel it is time to jump into the shower and get cracking on the pile of stuff i want to get done today, after all, philosophical musing, as refreshing as it is for me, does not pay my bills.

∞ DT ∞