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i attach to my emotional reactions of what happen in ever day life help keep in an attitude that the world revolves around me and my desires. DESIRE, at least for me is the greatest barrier to my ongoing spiritual growth. i want what i want, right now DAMMIT. i walked into the rooms steeped in obsession with what i “deserve” and what i am “entitled” to and those attitudes are still part of who i am today. it is quite true, that i do not “like” events that do not go the way i desire, that may be a perfectly human reaction. addiction has taken that reaction to the extreme in my case and when things play out in a manner that is contrary to my desire, i often go into a “victim” mode, assigning blame, falling into the “FATE” trap and generally bemoaning how unfair and unjust life IS.
i never expect top become some sort of saint, accepting whatever comes down the road. i do not envision myself to emulate JOB, who refuses in the end to abandon his FAITH, even though he is truly a victim of a cruel and heartless wager. i do expect, with the help of my peers and through living an active program of recovery, to become better able to “handle” the ups and downs of daily life. if there is one lesson i have learned across the course of my recovery is that i do not DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. in fact i do not even deserve the grace i have been given to live a life beyond my wildest “pipe dreams.”
i admit that i cringe when i hear my peers sharing about what they think they are entitled to and want to slap them back into reality with a brutally honest bit of cross-talk. been there done that, got the T-shirt. these days, i pause and consider whether or not i am willing to pay the spiritual price for that behavior. most of the time, the cost far outweighs the benefit, so i sit in silence, fuming about how they just do not get it. for me, it is all about learning how not to judge in the first place, and when i allow myself the FREEDOM to let others find their way and let go of what i think i “know,” i succeed.
i have to remind everyone that i am not one of those who believes in FATE, MYSTERIOUS WAYS, or GOD's unknowable plan for me. coincidences are just that, coincidences and the “miracle” of me coming to recovery and staying put, is not all that miraculous at all. on some level i was tired of the life i was living and even though i was not consciously ready to accept a new manner of life, there was some small part of me that resonated with what i saw in my peers in recovery. those “small quiet voices” kept me here long enough to have the DESIRE for something more and keep me here today. it is as it is and i am grateful that those who were here first did not give up on me, before i had an opportunity to CHOOSE to live in recovery, just for today.

∞ DT ∞