Blog entry for:

are words i choose not use when evaluating the events of my life or the feelings that may arise from them. i have found that the less i judge what my life looks like and my feelings, the less judgemental i tend to be when thinking about my peers and those with whom i share my life. i am far from being anything like a saint when it comes to judging things, people and situations as evidenced by the fact i said that Tuesday and Wednesday were the worst days of my life, in recent history. i went down the path of self-abasement when i did not get the news i desired and reacted poorly to the messengers. it is true that by Thursday i was starting to get a grip, but i still am smarting this afternoon as i put down in bits and bytes what has been going through my head. in reality, none of the news was that bad, nor was it anything i have little to no power over. instead of wallowing in despair, i have decided to pick up the gauntlet and take better care of myself, my physical self and teeth.
moving on, the topic in my home group was STEP TWO and i ran with the insanity bit, as i have been more than a bit insane about how to get a peer to look at what they believe and perhaps find the ways and means to deconstruct the structure that is keeping them sick. what i keep hearing form the POWER that fuels my recovery, is that i am fVcking powerless over that and it is time to let go of my self-will and accept that perhaps a softer touch, is what is needed, rather than me hammering away at it. after all, water may not erode a rock away in a day, a year or even a decade, but over time, water will dissolve just about everything. i need to look at the long term and let my expectations for a quick result, fly away.
it did take fifteen years for me to dismantle my belief structure and it was not anything my sponse did, at any one time, that allowed me to see that i was far too rigid in what i believed and move into a system of beliefs that relies on an application of the scientific method. when i treat a belief as a theory and apply rigorous honesty and seek evidence , through experimentation, i know whether or not that belief is working for me, based on the empirical evidence at hand. one belief that is at my core, is that i am an addict and clean-time and step work has not changed that in the slightest. i came to that belief from the opposite direction. when i got clean i could not see myself as an addict of any sort. the only experiment i did not do was “controlled using.” each and every time i thought i had uncovered something that would dispel the notion i was an addict, i was smacked down once again by my addiction. my theory of not being an addict has been added to the bit bucket with stuff like Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny, all beliefs i once strongly held. as a result of the evidence i accumulated i came to believe that not only was i an addict, but i was powerless over my addiction and lately the addiction of anyone else.
today as i start my enforced three day weekend, i am okay with that core belief and its corollary, that the program of recovery i found myself a part of, is the only path forward to a better way of living, at least for me. life is not too shabby and i have a thing or two i want to get done today, so it is off to the races to clean the Winter out of my car, update my notebook and tablet and perhaps a nap for an hour or so. because i am clean and in recovery i GET to do all those things and so much more, just for today. 🤗

∞ DT ∞