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by learning from both my successes and as well as my failures. so yes this is going a different way than it usually does. in the psst i have focused on the part of the reading that speaks to decoupling my feelings and the events of the day from value judgements. yes judging something as being ‘good’ or ‘bad’ is more than likely part of the human condition. so it is a behavior i need not worry about and i can move one, judging my way through my day and tallying each in its own column until i see by what i think has happened to me, what a good or bad day it was when all the scores are in. i can then feel good or bad based on those scores and best of all such feelings being quite justified give me license to act in the manner indicated my the goodness and badness scores. all of that makes my life so much simpler,. as i get to be whatever the day's events dictate. sort of takes powerlessness to a whole new level!
as i have discovered, across the brief span of the days that comprise my recovery, i very seldom know what is good for me and a corollary of that is also true, for the most part i also do not know what is harmful for me. what i may see as bad may actually be a good thing, leading me on a path that creates a better me. that is why i have a sponsor, a POWER that fuels my recovery and a close connection to the fellowship in general. i need no longer be a victim of my past, as i learn to do things in new and different ways, part of which is discarding my notions of what is good and what is bad. oh, i can fight it, i can think my sponsor and everyone else are out of their minds and clueless about what i really need and stumble along, living in self0-will. and you know what, when i fall flat on my face, they will be there again to help me get back on the right track. unless of course i keep making the same mistakes over and over and over again. especially after they have suggested that perhaps i might want to choose a different way of doing things. that guidance is one of those good things that i label as bad, especially when it is something that i really, really, really want to do because i feel less than everyone else who appears to be so fVcking happy. STEP TEN takes the joy out of spiritual masochism, DANG IT, and as a result i decouple value judgements from all sorts of things such as the behavior of others as well as how i feel at this particular slice of time. i do know this, i need not be a victim to the self-destructive behavior of other people. i have come too far in my recovery to allow that to happen. be very careful here in interpreting that last statement -- it does not mean that i will not be hurt or injured by someone else. no it means that i will not make myself their victim, after the fact. it also means that since i am the biggest contributor to the damage inflicted upon me in the course of daily living, i need TOOLS that allow me the freedom to get through today minimizing that damage. one of throe tools is the guidance i receive from my sponsor, after i see things through the lens of my TENTH STEP.
maybe, just maybe, not doing something just for today, regardless of how much i WANT to do it, is the right choice, because what i want to do is BAD for me, and not doing it is GOOD. after all, i can always choose to do it tomorrow. this applies to using drugs, smoking cigs, over-training and all sorts of the behaviors i have warped into being manifestations of my addiction. i am worth more than a running tally of the good and bad events and feelings of my day. to place it into perspective, it is all just part of the day, my choice is to allow myself to live like i always did, reacting out of fear to prevent the so-called bad things from happening or allowing myself the freedom to fail, feel lonely or whatever, to see what possible gift may actually come from such a decision. as spooky as it sounds, drifting along, choosing to be a participant in my life and go with the flow, is far from the easier, softer path. it is, however the path i choose today, which reminds me, i do need to get some stuff done before i head to Greeley. it is one of those days that i have over-filled with commitments and things to do. so it goes, that is also part of who i am, and i can learn from this as well.

∞ DT ∞