Blog entry for:

happens in one day and when i start to consider whether or not it is good or bad, i fall into a trap that keeps me from seeing that i really do not know what is good or bad. in my daily inventory, i seem to be uncovering a pattern of behavior that i am not very fond of, on nearly a daily basis. it seems that lately, i am back playing manipulative power games in some of my relationships. when i detect a power imbalance, especially when i am on the “winning” side, i press my advantage to the disadvantage of the other party. equity and equality fly out the window and i play the victorious asshole. it seems that i am being worked over by my impending SIXTH STEP and becoming entirely ready to have this defect removed. i could make a million excuses and have all kinds of rationalizations and justifications ready to roll. the fact is, i catch myself afterwards and have to use the corrective part of STEP TEN, to own my behavior and take responsibility for it. 😖 when i judge that whole pile of sh!t, i see it as being “bad.” in reality, as unsavory as that behavior may be, being able to identify it and not feeling justified, is actually a “good” thing, as it provides the impetus to continue my journey through the steps.
i also heard a couple of other things this morning as i sat. i am frustrated with not getting past the recruiter for the jobs that i seem qualified for and my reaction is to fall back to places where i can exert some power, pity the fool who comes down my path and looks at me cross-eyed. i want to get that bright and shiny new job and i keep submitting myself to the process, and i refuse to let go of the results, hence my frustration. the other topic that popped off the stack, is maybe i am working too hard at my fitness program and i “need” to take some days off. of course i want to run the 10K race on Saturday morning in under sixty minutes, so i tell myself i need to push harder this week to make that happen. once again, planning an outcome and in the process, tearing my body apart.
the “good” part of those “revelations” is that i can change my expectations and surrender to the flow, instead of living in frustration and pain. just for today, maybe, just maybe, i can let go, accept what happens and not have to dive into those places i would rather not go.

∞ DT ∞