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rather than assigning value, sounds like a vital task for me to dedicate myself to, just for today. this morning, i am much lighter in spirit as the predictable, yet heinous spot a completed FIRST STEP leaves me in, has been vacated as i move into STEP TWO. certainly part of my resistance to moving on, although i would have never said it out loud, until i sat down with my sponsor last night, was the notion of a HIGHER POWER and what this means in my spiritual outlook. it is true, i am arrogant and different than my peers, and trying to hide that under a bushel, is doing me greater harm than learning to tolerate those facts and perhaps, bit by bit, day by day, growing some acceptance that is who i am, right now anyhow. this notion of a HIGHER POWER restoring me to sanity, at first glance seems to be driving me back into a deist and theist mind-set, a mind-set that i was just freed from as a result of my last step cycle. i really do not want to place myself back in a box of spiritual stagnation and conforming to what “others” see as their spiritual path. here is a part of me that is unique and quite different than most of my peers, and my vision of the world beyond the mundane, is not better or worse than theirs. the battle across the years of my recovery to free myself from that “value structure,” is hard won and i refuse to crater to what i see as “popular” opinion and give back the freedom i have found.
i was not going to go all postal and negative this morning, but i guess i tapped into a vein of deep dark emotion, as i started to write about where i am. that is not a “good” or “bad” thing, it is just what it is. the insanity of that whole notion, is not the feelings that i have, but the fact that those feelings seemed to be tied to being put into a spiritual box when i arrived in the rooms, and outgrowing that box, years and years ago, but not having the courage to want to crash out of the box like some comic book super hero. i GOT to be the still suffering addict and it was my peers that i GOT to blame for my suffering. certainly excellent work, when one can get it! now my journey is to figure out how i can use that FREEDOM and be a part of the fellowship as a whole. i know it is not the collective “them” as in my peers in the fellowship that are hindering my journey, it is me and my perceptions of how i think things should be run, at least in my perfect little version of the world in general. i have once again returned to control, despite knowing that i am powerless, and that certainly is part of the insanity that i just may need to be resored from, just for today.

∞ DT ∞