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grounds me, when i allow it to, otherwise, i often end up humiliated. yesterday was quite an interesting day, as five of the men i sponsor had the opportunity to interact with me. one was a butt-dial and the other was requesting help as a friend. i could however use the fact that the quantity of the men who call me their sponsor reflects on the quality of my recovery, which would certainly be an exercise in hubris! i have lived a life of over-inflated ego and as i learn how to live a program of recovery, i am learning how to live “right-sized” in the world around me. part of that means using what i know to be of help to those who ask me to do so.
yesterday i received a letter from a former sponsee who has returned to being a ward of the state. in my last letter to him, i told that i did not trust him and after he told me that was on me, which i do not deny, he went on and on about what he believed was evidence to trust him. i am coming to the place where i do not believe this relationship can be salvaged. as there seems to be no moving past what was, at least in his mind. i do not believe i got “played” but i certainly do believe that when given the choice of how to live, he decided to see what it was he could get away with, instead of complying with the terms he agreed to abide by. what i get from him is rationalizations, justifications and blame, and quite frankly i am tired of it. i see myself in that same situation and know that i would be behaving in a similar manner, because i believed i did not deserve the consequence i received for such a minor misstep. been there, done that, got the T-shirt. so he has decides that completing his prison tattoo sleeve is a good thing to do. instead of looking for others who may share a desire to be in recovery. that is, what it is and if i need to walk away from this relationship it will be with more than a bit of sadness and remorse that i could not be of service to him.
this morning as i sat in silence, what i felt was a sense of gratitude to be uncovering who i am. ever since i let go of who i was not and started to allow myself to become something more, i have felt as if i am stumbling around in the dark and been grateful there were no “booby-traps” to be found. this morning what i felt was that i have just been moving forward in the FAITH that if i allow myself to be who i am becoming. i do not need to see where it is i am going. in other words, let go of the notion that i can exercise any power over who it is i am becoming. for the first time in my recovery, i am actually living in the sunlight of FAITH, rather than just paying lip service to the notion of FAITH. without any evidence at all, i believe i am on the path to becoming who i was meant to be and i do not need to look for any of the whys or wherefores, i leave that to others, as i have exhausted myself in going down that rabbit hole for far too long. i am what i am, as Popeye was fond of saying and just for today, that is more than enough.

∞ DT ∞