Blog entry for:

i am gaining new attitudes about myself and how i deal with other people. okay, this is really a normal abnormal day. i read the just for tomorrow and thought it strange it was a HP reading two days in a row. i am also writing this now instead of after running because i am waiting for the wash machine to cycle through to rinse so i can add fabric softener, weird and ironic as that is, it is my reality this morning.
without the benefit of quiet time, i can see how this reading applies in so many ways. yesterday i said i needed to get my lesson from my anger about pronouncements from on high. well after exercising, and working a bit, and mostly playing a computer game, what i ended up hearing was that what i do not like about how other people treat me are behaviors i more than likely exercise myself. using my anger as a corrective feature instead of a destructive feature is the path i needed to take yesterday, and today as well. the change in my attitudes and how i allow others to take my power as well as how i try and steal power from those i interact with on a daily basis, is where my TENTH STEP took me last night.
i know this whole power issue is old hat, and one that i seemingly never can let go of for any length of time. the reality is there are power battles going on all the time, it is part of the deal of being human. there may be a few who do not participate in them, but for me, i was brought up in a culture that taught me to grab and hold on to whatever power i could, the person that accumulated the most personal power was the winner, in any set of interactions with other humans. this is quite a survival skill, and one that did not come easily to me. addiction took this cultural condition and honed it into quite a weapon, that i still have the desire to wield today. there is another SIXTH STEP in my future, so i see some more writing, however i digress.
this revelation is not something new, and is more than likely something my sponsor has been trying to get me to see. ironically, we moved past the powerlessness part of the FIRST STEP and right into unmanageability, and i see how this need in me feeds the unmanageable part of my life. man oh man, the sponse was right again, i will be calling him before his surgery to get this out on the table. the reading, although about the EIGHTH STEP, has taken me back to my FIRST STEP, it just amazes me how that works. speaking of step work, no i was not wrong in what i felt yesterday, nor how i expressed it, i did ponder that as part of my daily inventory. yes i could have ignored it, but stuffing what i feel is no longer part of my game plan. it also gave me a clue as how to enter into this step cycle as i see what may really be going on inside of me. step by step i will get better, all i have to do is let the process work, and make no pronouncements from “on high,” just for today and things will work out the way they are supposed to work out. so it i9s off to hit the streets and work off some of the nervous energy i have acquired this morning.

∞ DT ∞