Blog entry for:

i understand that the reading was speaking about STEP EIGHT, and although becoming ready to make amends, especially for something that i am sorry for, BUT what i needed up hearing after my third time trying to listen this morning is my personal responsibility to my recovery. yes taking care of the stuff i have done that i regret and have remorse about, is certainly part of that responsibility gig. this morning however, i heard something that went a bit deeper for me, i am certain it was a reaction to the events of last evening.
not that there were any earth-shattering events while i was out and about yesterday. i was feeling more than a bit distracted and not at all present for what was going on, especially after hearing an addict who frequently relapses, start his plan to relapse once again. as that was settling in, i heard an infinite fourth stepper say something that triggered a mind image of what the THIRD STEP just may be all about for me, this time around. yes there it is, the judgmental side kicking in, the good news is, that despite my personal judgmental opinion, i was aware enough of something in what they told me to wake up, listen and then allow it to be processed.
well i am still in then process of processing, BUT on the surface what i heard last night and what i seem to accept today, is that i am then ONLY one responsible for my recovery. not the psychiatrist that may want me to take this medication or that, not the social worker who offers drug replacement therapy, not the judicial system that punishes me for some of my less than savory behaviors in active addiction and certainly not my sponsor nor any of the addicts who foster my recovery. it is me, and me alone, who makes the decision to live in the defects of character that creates the untenable emotional states that i find myself in, from time to time. yes i can divert, deny and run away, but ultimately all that will get me is sick or dead. for me, it is important that no matter how many days i have since the last time i used, i have the responsibility to whatever it takes to stay clean today,. no one and i repeat no one is jealous of my clean time, and the number consecutive days clean DOES NOT EQUAL greater social stature in the fellowship and the world at large. i only have today, and yes days clean is an achievement, as one day clean for someone like is a miracle. so to say i get a little disturbed when i hear someone with a few days clean talk about doing what they have done in the past, is an understatement. i get that wanting to have the same privileges as most other adults is a valid desire. i also get that sometimes, what i do will end up costing more than i am willing to pay, and if i do not want to pay the cost, than i DO NOT DO THE GIG.
the new metaphor for my THIRD STEP? not yet, i am still hashing it out, but what i have figured out so far is starting to make a bit of sense and it does look promising, at least for me.
HOW am i going take responsibility for my recovery today? well for one, i am going to jump into the shower and scrape off the 24 hour accumulation of life. then i am going to sit down and clean-up some of the work i have on my desktop, finishing with honoring my commitments to the fellowship that allows me the freedom to be more than i was yesterday.
oh yeah, and FINISH THAT THIRD STEP WRITING ASSIGNMENT!
so with that plan of action in my mind, it is off to implement it and see where i end up at this evening. yes being responsible sucks but the rewards are far greater than the costs, so if this is a zero sum decision, i choose personal resp0onsibility to foster my recovery and life today.

∞ DT ∞