Blog entry for:

i treat myself, has always been a very **tough** concept for me to wrap my head around, even with a minute clean. sitting here this morning, my big concern is paying for the first two nights in Athens, as the final payment is due today and all i have heard is crickets since i made the reservation, so of course i am concerned about it. not that i have a bad feeling about it, i just want to get things in order. taking responsibility for my stuff, is something i am starting to get used to doing, and this is just one more thing. so i have done everything in my power to get the answers i desire, time to let it go and understand that my power ends here.
it seems that when i come across this particular entry i keep coming back to how i can be better at treating myself. when i get into situations, such as my job ending or the payment not being made, even though neither of those are my “fault” i take that as a sign that i have not been “good” enough and that i have to “pay my dues” for not doing what i “should” have been doing. the whole judge, jury and executioner mode kicks in and i start to take responsibility for everything, believing that if only i was better at this life gig, these things would not happen. where i am ending up at today, is that i NO LONGER need to dwell in that house of pain, after all, i have and will continue to do, what needs to be done, to take care of myself in these matters.
on that yippy-skippy note, i do believe it is time to get out and about and see what sort of mileage i can get out my running shoes this morning. i am okay and i certainly can allow myself the freedom to continue to be okay, after all, i did not run to another fellowship, after i was no longer a big fish in the fellowship that fuels my recovery. i am not whining about taking precautions to stay COVID free as my vacation approaches. most of all, i can see that i am not broken and even though that lie, still echoes in my head, from time to time. just for today, i can rest assured that i can be the best person possible and not hurt myself in the process.

∞ DT ∞