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happens in recovery. as anyone who has been following along with these little brain dumps, know i have not been in the best of head spaces lately. between my Mom dying, dealing with her estate and the malignant melanoma on my head, i have been on one helluva a roller-coaster ride, spiritually and emotionally. it would be so freaking easy to slip into despair and just use, 'cuz, what is the point of staying clean just to succumb to cancer. i have been keeping this on the down-low with my family but today, decided to bring this to light, as hiding stuff in the shadows is ancient and very familiar behavior. i have been open and shared extensively with my peers in recovery and in this space i have been totally honest, why my family was the last to know, just sucks and is how i have always operated. learned behavior? quite possibly, but i am better than falling into that trap and they do deserve to know.
what really hit home yesterday, was my diagnosis as i read my CT results. i knew from the beginning that a melanoma was bad, what i conveniently forgot was that ALL melanomas are malignant. that word struck me like a ton of bricks and sent me into a spiral once again. malignant melanoma, sounds a whole lot more scary than just melanoma, although the reality is …
as i walk through the rest of this day, i will allow myself the FREEDOM to feel scared, when FEAR comes up and relieved as i realize that all the tests for tumors inside of me have come back negative. my life will go on, i can choose to live in that house of pain, or i can walk forward and do the next right thing, which may be, nothing at all, or a nap. this too shall pass, as i have often heard and i am quite sure that it will not be a feeling that kills me, at least in the here and now.

∞ DT ∞