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with passion looks a helluva different for me today, than it did way back when, or even a few years ago. the ironic part of this topic is when desperation finally broke through my walls of denial, passion for protecting the fellowship and appearing to be the most dedicated servant to my peers took over. my use of Torquemada as a simile for how i behaved, really was not that far off the mark. i may not be able to determine what his motives were, but i knew mine were to create a “pure” fellowship, without the taint of any other Twelve Step fellowships, in my local community. there were more than a few amends that i needed to make to my peers, but when the time came, i had no trouble doing so, as i saw that my passion was a tad bit misdirected and what i did, i did for prestige and social standing. i am grateful that my passion left very little damage in its wake.
a year ago, while i was supposed to be relaxing on vacation, i kept bumping my head up against the behavior of one of our party of merry adventurers. i look at those posts and am astounded about how much of my personal power i surrendered to that person, day in and day out, when i could have been allowing myself to decompress from having to work and seeing places i only ever dreamt of seeing. today, i may regret the decision i made a year ago, to take extra special care not to blow up and burn someone down, but writing about it, day and day out, feels more than a bit of overkill from this side of it. it is done and over with and as i look at it today, perhaps it was sufficient but hardly necessary. i can live in the regret of those actions or simply accept them for what they were, a reaction to what i was feeling and move along.
today, as i was sitting, a thousand and one things kept bubbling up to the surface. work stuff, scheduling stuff, what to buy on Amazon stuff, when are my new hiking boots going to arrive stuff and what to say to my acquaintance who is once again a ward of the state of Colorado. as busy as my head was, the twenty minutes flew by and when i got up to start my day, i knew that for some reason, all of that had to be released as part of my passion for my recovery today. it is not as if i resolved any of that, i just acknowledged it was there and let it go. sitting here, i feel that i do have a very strong passion for recovery, mine in particular. it is just that i have not been feeling it, living on “rote” as it were, rather than savoring what i do. which right here and right now, means getting dressed out and getting some miles under the soles of my shoes. i know that everything that came to the surface will be dealt with, as i traipse through this day, clean and in active recovery. i also know that any or all of those are potential personal power siphons, if i choose to allow them to be. the key word here is CHOICE. i am FREE to choose what i do and how i respond to situations, just for today.

∞ DT ∞