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the same thing again, unless i CHOOSE to do something different. well, it certainly has been hours and hours since i read this and contemplated what it might mean for me. part of what i choose to do today, is to live differently than when i came into recovery. sure, i am far from perfect, BUT, and it is big one, when i say “i'm sorry,” it actually means something. i have fallen short on one commitment over the past week, i told a man whom i am temporarily sponsoring that i would respond to his letters in twenty-four hours and now it has been a week. i could run through the dozen or so excuses i have generated to write him, but to what end, the fact is i have fallen short and will need to correct that with at the minimum a sincere apology.
all of this could lead up to a huge moment of hubris for me, spouting off about all the ways i have lived a better life in the past twenty-four hours or the past week. the fact is, i see all of that as stuff i NEED to do, to not do the same thing again.part of how i used to live was to crow about all the good i did, and minimize the not so good. as much as i like an “attaboy” i would prefer that it come from someone noticing, rather than me saying something. sort of like the whole good deed scenario in my mind, a deed loses its goodness when i brag about it. as i sit here, quite content in how my day has gone and how i feel about my world in the here and now, i have no doubt it is because i CHOOSE to live in a different manner.
speaking of making a choice or two. i am taking a big risk tomorrow. i am going on a hike with a friend and peer, and i am worried that i will be slow and miserable and ruin the rapport we have developed over the course of our relationship. i have not done any mountain hiking since i climbed Mt Bierstadt last summer and even though the distance is well within my range, i am not sure about the elevation grade. i am hoping that my fitness program has prepared me for the trek. more will certainly be revealed, and as i will not probably get this written before starting out at the crack of dawn, i will be able to report how things go. i am probably projecting about nothing and it is just my insecurities coming into play here, but time will certainly tell. it is a good day to move out and do something different, even if it is only offering a peer a second chance or forcing myself to do something outside of my comfort zone.

∞ DT ∞