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doth protest too much, methinks.
how in the world does a line from Shakespeare relate to the notion of making amends? a very good question and one that i will explore as i get this out of my head and out into the bits and bytes of the interwebs.
the reading spoke of the case where using the term “I'm sorry,” was meant to cover a multitude of sins that i had committed. the notion that those words like some magic potion could wipe away any damage and allow me to continue along my merry way, was something i found attractive. as the reading quite bluntly pointed out, the magically delicious part of that incantation faded with overuse and i was left with more than just egg on my face, more than once. being a clever addict, i quickly learned that blame-shifting, especially on to those who suffered the consequences of my self-centered decision-making, was the direction to go, and that behavior was one i carried into recovery with me.
that worked, for quite a bit of time, until i finally faced it in my second round of steps, along the way, however that behavior changed, as i saw that to look better than i was doing, i had to find a bit of spiritual camouflage. my duck and cover routine, was to protest, loudly and vehemently about how this program was working in my life and ALL the decisions i made were the next right thing, because my FAITH in the program told me so. the louder and more vigorously denied what i thought were the judging eyes of my accusers, namely my sponsor and peers in recovery,m the worse i knew i had behaved, and the greater the damage of my self-entitled and self-centered manner of acting. in the long run, i learned that true humility was not all about shouting how “good” i was to all within earshot, no it was quietly admitting i was wrong and dealing with the harms i caused through a formal amends process or an informal 10TH STEP process. in other words, the more i protested and defended the worse i was actually doing and more widespread the damage was around me.
it was an interesting time for me to be working a program of recovery as my desire to shift blame to being a human and a addict was also in the process of being dismantled and spiritually i had very little cover left to duck behind. in the end, it was the process of recovery and a journey towards humility that saved this addict's a$$!
oh by the way -- here is a link to what the quote means!
when i think about it, when i have to defend myself or my actions, there are usually a few things going on. the first being, i am concerned about how those actions will be seen in the eyes of my peers, acquaintances and friends. after all, if it gets out about how self-absorbed and obsessed i am, i will lose face. so i rant on about how “right” i really am. as i grow in recovery, this motive becomes less and less a factor and more and more it is my conscience, as evidenced by the uneasy feeling in my gut that informs me that i NEED to defend myself against the wrong i am about to do. it does not mean that i actually heed that warning and time and again, i end up going back to admit i was wrong. the really is no defense for that sort of behavior, save the owning up to my lack of integrity. when i tell someone i am going to do something than ditch out of it, because i have other things scheduled, well i am the one in the wrong and if they get pissy with me, they are certainly in their rights. screaming about how correct i am, does not change the fact that i know i just acted in a less than spiritual manner. going to my basic premise, when i feel the NEED to defend, explain and rationalize, i am trying to cover up my bad behavior or decision-making. it really is that simple. my next course of action is to examine what i did, run it through the filter of my daily inventory and see if i need to make a correction, repair some harm, and admit to someone, that yes, once again i was in the wrong.it happens and thanks to what i see in my life, i have a process in place to correct that behavior in near real-time.
i have gone on long enough and i do need to be somewhere, namely my place of employment because the agreement i made with them was to suit up, show up and work for at least forty hours a week. it is a good day to walk with integrity in my life.

∞ DT ∞