Blog entry for:

about myself and how i deal with other people. is feels eerily ironic to me, that the topic of amends was the reading this morning, as i was talking to a friend and peer of mine, just last night about this. after they revealed what they revealed, a whole lot of what i see in them was explained, and having moved on from giving unasked for advice, i moved on, actually gave them a hug and came home.so this morning, i am not going to give any advice in the guise of being helpful or spiritual, i will merely say, that they know who they are, and if they want my take on a possible way out of the hole they have dug, all they have to do is ask.
what i heard this morning,. as i sat down to listen, was based on that conversation last night, and was echoed in the “punchline” of the reading this morning, today i will accept the responsibility that comes from being an addict in recovery and allow the attitudes and belief structure that i entered recovery with, to be systematically dismantled, and when appropriate recycled and re-purposed. honestly, when i came to the runs, guilt and shame for who i was and what i was doing, was hidden behind a very dense and very high wall of denial. my first set of steps, poked a few holes in that structure, but barely scratched the surface, as i did just enough to stay clean. that was my goal, in that first round of steps and that is exactly what i got, i stayed clean, but had little emotional or spiritual growth. i was, however, sincere in the amends i made and some of them had consequences that lasted far longer than i ever thought was possible, that however is a topic for another day.
anyhow, i emerged from that set of TWELVE, with the same belief structure mostly intact, the primary one being, that i never really caused that much harm, even to myself. i made choices that limited my growth, but that is just the nature of addiction, i was who i was, and when i commenced my second set of steps, it was going to be all about romantic relationships. there was an enormous catch though, when my sponse asked me what the focus of my steps was going to be, i blithely announced it was going to be about relationships, yes in my head i was thinking about sex, love affection and how to become a romantic partner. he raised an eyebrow and laughed, and said so be it. well for the first time in recovery i got exactly what i asked for, literally! sure that set of TWELVE was all about relationships, one in particular, my relationship with me and all those other relationships i wanted to work on, including the one with the POWER that fuels my recovery, were forced to languish as i dove into myself and started the destruction of the belief system that sustained and carried me through a quarter century of using.
i started this exercise by quoting a line from the literature about the attitudes i carry about myself. that second set of steps, was the most painful i ever worked and the amazing part of that process was, as a result i found a relationship that allowed me to share my life with someone, i became capable of having a loving equal partnership with another human being. i became capable of loving and being loved. of being caring and being cared for, because i finally was capable of caring for and loving myself. that wall that i had build, was severely damaged in that second set, and most of that destruction had very little to do with the first set of steps, which as i look back these days, was all about my relationship with drugs, when it should have been about my relationship with addiction. that is, however, a bit of a diversion.
today? well today i am clean. i am confident i am on the correct path and amazed at how i no longer believe that i am a lost cause who is not worthy of forgiveness. the litany of why i am not worth anything, has been countered by evidence that life in recovery is where i want to be. as a matter of fact it is time to head on down to work, and be worthy of the money they pay me, to do something i find fairly interesting most of the time. it is a good day to look at myself as more than a collection of defects and their consequences, after all, i am much more than just a collection of attitudes and behaviors.

∞ DT ∞