Blog entry for:

today, i AM responsible.
well, as i sit here at 6 AM on a Sunday morning, thinking about amends, regrets and my journey home, i start to wonder when i will ever be able to completely amend my relationships with my family up here in the place we all came from. i was intolerable as a child when visiting up here, wasted as an adult the few times i deigned to make the trip and only since i got clean, have i striven to be a part of the lives of my extended family, instead of a ship that passed in the night, as it were. i really regret the missed opportunities i had, as an adult and as my uncles get closer to thee other side of the grass, i wonder…
i wonder a whole bunch of sh!t and there is no reason to get all morose and maudlin, this morning. what i GOT of this weekend was some quality time with my family and even if it was far too short, it was time away from home, in their company and ii am grateful for that. minimizing my feelings or dismissing them, will not give me more time with them nor will it bring back those days of yore when i was just too self-interested to be a part of this life.
yes, i can be a part of life on the Hi-Line, at least in some limited way, and stay connected with my family throughout the year, and that is the part of amending my behavior, i can and will take responsibility for today. i could go on and on about all sorts of other ways i am changing my life and my behaviors, but the same point would just be hit time and again. as a person who is in recovery, i am NOW cognizant of the lives i touched or did not touch across the course of my wild, wild life and the amount of damage i cause to them and yes to myself. that growing awareness, could have triggered feelings of grief, remorse and even a touch of depression, as it seems that i can never clean up all that i did. i am grateful the steps provide me the framework to put all of that into perspective, and provide me a way out of the darkness of the man i once was. anyhow, the time has come to load up and head south, the price in mileage and hours is screaming to be paid as well. be well and be kind, as you travel through the end of this holiday weekend.

∞ DT ∞