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today, i am not locked into this type of thinking, instead i can sometimes even consider the consequences of my actions before i make the final decision.
well the reading this morning seemed to be about my decision making, and i could certainly go with that. HOWEVER, i had an entirely different set of thoughts as i quietly contemplated my navel this morning. what i heard was similar to what i have been told about my uncontrolled drug use, namely that my poor ability to make decisions is a symptom of my addiction and nothing more, and as such is as treatable as my obsession to use. that provide some HOPE for me this morning, and as i have said many time sin the past, i accept little or nothing on FAITH, so where is the evidence that gives that last statement any credence? well…
i have come to see that i am capable of making good decisions, and by that i mean decisions that have the consequences and effect on my life that i truly desire. some of that may be luck, as i do live in a world full of seemingly random chance and events. some of it may be intuitive leaps that allow me to feel the correct decision to make. this is a tricky one here. my intuition in active addiction was pretty keen, especially when it came to finding the ways and means, how ever, early recovery screwed everything up it that respect. until i learned to actually be able to understand how i felt about the people, events and things in my life, my intuition was whacked out. only over the past few years have i come to a place where i can and do trust my intuition with more than a seed of caution. the fact that i can trust my intuition and i am not using it for using, is one of those is certainly an indicator that the prognosis for the treatment of my decision-making malady is good. luck and intuition aside, there is for me, a process that goes into making a decision and my ability to properly see, inventory and assess the possible consequences of my decisions is without a doubt an indicator of a relief from this particular symptom of my addiction. when i was using, and even throughout my recovery, what i wanted colored what i thought could happen as i was learning or should i say relearning how to make decisions. while my hopes, dreams and desires still affect my ability to look critically at the outcomes, their influence is waning most of the time. these days i can consider the most irrational sort of notions with more than a critical eye and make a well-considered decision.
honestly, this ability was always part of my repertoire, my desire to use it was what lacked, and when i used it, the part of me i call addiction warped it to suit the purposes of addiction, rather than looking out for my own best interests. or better put, getting high was always in my best interests, in active addiction, so any critical evaluation ability i retained was put to that purpose. that is how it was, and that is how it could be again, it is not how it is today. sure i still make bad decisions and ones that are based on what one might call “pipe dreams.” after all, i am human and part of being human is that i make decisions based on what i hope will happen even when rationally i know that possibility ids ever so slight. the difference is, today i understand probabilities and possibilities and can accept the outcomes when i decide to decide in that manner. that is the most salient indicator of a relief of this symptom of addiction, the separation of fact from fiction. speaking of which, the time has come to take care of my physical self. that is also a decision i make willingly today, after all, in the long run, i may still end-up dependent on a scooter for my mobility, BUT it will not because i decide, by default, to allow myself to become that way. i decide today to live my best for as long as i can, and for the next 53 years, who knows. it is a good day to be alive and certainly it is even better because i can choose to be clean today.

∞ DT ∞