Blog entry for:

the strength to act on them, and consequently a life worth living. well this morning i could not settle into meditation, as i was already working at the new gig. ironic as it is, i am already taking on new stuff and bringing it into my life, before i have been there more than 8 hours. what to do? well for one, let go of what i am going to do before i get there and two accept that i have the skill-set to perform the task i was hired for and leave it alone when i am not there. that FEELS like a good decision this morning!
yes, i know the literature says not one of us is capable of consistently making good decisions, that is why I have trusted friends and a sponsor. while that still rings true today. over time and through the process of recovery, i make BETTER decisions more consistently than anytime in my past. yes i still act on impulse and self-will, and yes, i still can make some really terrible decisions, BUT those come fewer when i ALLOW the POWER that fuels my recovery to let me in on what is the correct direction to go.
so while i can certainly rejoice in the fact that i am getting better, in all sorts of ways, i am also reminds that this ability, does not arise from within. the evidence of my decision-making process in active addiction was one of narrowing my horizon, limiting the possibilities and driving me over a cliff or into a box canyon, like a member of a buffalo herd being hunted by a native american hunting party. the end result was a death of my spirit and FEAR of any sort of decision-making process, at least if I WAS NOT the one making the decisions, i could blame others and the events in my life for the consequences!
no, the power to make better decision has been taught to me by those members who have walked the path before me, both in word and deed. the ability to choose rationally, after evaluating the possible outcomes, comes from the process of recovery and is a gift of that POWER that fuels my recovery. the desire to participate in that process is the RESULT of seeing that it is not rigged against me, and that if i ALLOW things to happen , LISTEN for guidance, THAN i GET what i NEED and have the ability to make a fairly good decision most of the time.
so enough of the cheerleader this morning, all of what i have written is true for me today. i am still more than a bit obsessed on work, so instead of fighting it by wiring pablum here, i will surrender to it, hop in the shower and head on down to Broomfield and get cracking. it is a good day to be clean and i will do my best to bring the POWER that fuels my recovery, into all the decisions i NEED to make today.

∞ DT ∞