Blog entry for:

or guided by the POWER that fuels my recovery? that is truly the question and not unlike that certain Danish prince, that dichotomy is a vital part of my continued existence. my death, spiritual or otherwise, is guided by my own hand, in this example but i need not fret and worry, because after call, i do have the ways and means to live free today. Yes a bit less dark than my last start, and now for something a bit different:

Jack W
8 trips around the sun CLEAN!
the undersea world is far less dark these days
Congrats, my friend

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Joel
1 year Clean!
Awesome my friend
Keep Comin' Back!

so being guided by impulse is not always the disaster it could be. case in point, i was frustrated at how long i was remaini8ng on contract, so i went out and bought me a new computer. my old desktop was okay, but was definitely long in tooth and starting to show its age. not that it is going anywhere, as i will be re-purposing it for a local development server, as i improve my development skills, just in case. THE riving force behind that purchase was my inability to just admit i was frustrated, let go and be okay waiting, after all “not yet,” sure feels like a NO!
my impulse control in active addiction was far from stellar, and yet somehow i made it through reasonably intact. i mean seriously, what sane person would free climb the Third FlatIron, after breakfast beers bongs to celebrate their birthday? how we ever made it down, once we got stuck is beyond me to this day, but it seemed like a really good idea, climbing in the first place not the coming down part, at the time.
these days, the trick now is to decide whether or not i am being guided by impulse or intuition. part of this round of steps has been focused o0n learning to “feel” my way to the right decision and impulse, while greatly reduced, still certainly plays a part in that process.i can rationalize and justify the most outrageous things and it is always after the fact, that i see which way i ended up going, hence my NEED to justify what was really an impulsive decision by pretending that bi was being guided by some POWER greater than i am.what i n\\know and what i feel are oftentimes the same thing, because i convince myself of that fact. in reality, learning to be quiet and allowing the POWER that fuels my recovery to guide me, instead of running on self-will and impulse is a learning experiences and part of my recovery process. sure i can stay clean, no matter what, but why does that have to be the limit, when recovery offers one such as me, so much more. impulse is self-will 99% of the time, and today i choose to something more.
anyhow, i have a little fire that needs to be extinguished and some things i want to do, so i will make the decision hopefully not an impulsive one, to sign-off, finish my weekly chores and move along, it is after all a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞