Blog entry for:

when someone, anyone, get on my nerves, it takes everything in me not to attack them, mock them, shut them down using whatever tactic i can, that is after all, my default reaction. learning to respond, rather than react, takes time and i have been working in that for a very long minute. of course i could live in the world i came from, where nothing was ever my fault, i was always right and i did not need to be any sort of socially acceptable. a return to that manner of living, even for the briefest of moments always has consequences that are unpalatable to me. knowing that i have a “last resort” as it is, means that i do not have to go the whole way, right away, even though i have and will again in the future, that much i am quite certain of, regardless of how many days (9844) clean i may have.

Joel K.
X A DECADE clean!
Jack W
XVII (seventeen) years clean!
Congrats my brothers on doing this gig Just for Today.

moving into the here and now, what i heard as i sat this morning, was a whole lot of nothing. what i felt on the other hand was a sense of relief that i have found my way, politically speaking as well as more than a bit emotionally. last night at my service commitment, two or three members kept going on about how their nascent clean time, as they certainly have yet to get to the recovery bit. <here is where i would insert my opinion of DRT> i was more than certain that once i shared and brought the room back to recovery, i would be greeted by silence, which is exactly what happened. they wanted relationship advice and how to deal with the externals that were weighing on their mind. they wanted group therapy, and what they ended up getting was three experienced member who gave the recovery, for which they were not quite ready.
i know i am certainly no recovery guru or the model of a recovering addict. i know that all that i have is today, but still take a bit of pride in the accomplishment of having a long stretch of clean time that in less than six months, unless my self-will gets in the way, will move in quintuple digits. that is something that i never believed could happen, but i am on the cusp of that event. what allowed me pile up that number of days, was what i shared last nigt. it does not matter what gets one to the rooms, but what got me here, could not keep me here. i had to find the ways and means to move from allowing those far from relevant external forces, to stop coloring my internal landscape. once that happened, well the rest is history, just for today.

∞ DT ∞