Blog entry for:

and direction to make good decisions, comes from the FAITH i have developed in my program of recovery and the POWER that fuels that recovery. decision-making, huh? not one of my best skills, but one that i am have truly practiced at, to become better. yes i know, i have said that i hate terms such as **practicing** spiritual principles or **progress not perfection** when referring how i view my daily journey through recovery. i am not carving out an exception here at all. in this case, i came to recovery, with little or no skill at making decisions, good, bad or indifferent. as i preferred to drift along on the currents of life and let everyone and everything else make decisions for me. i saw myself as easy-going (HAH) and accepting of life on life's terms (DOUBLE HAH). boy was i deluded. what i was, really, was controlling, manipulative and a “black belt” blame-shifter, and my decision not to make decisions was part of that paradigm. and so iot goes, the sad fact of my life, as a result of a series of conscious choice i made, colored by active addiction, when i came to recovery, i had lacked the any skill at all, at making decisions. even the manner in which i came to recovery, reflects who i was and how i operated. two odf the men in my life, who help fuel my recovery, deserve a bit of recognition, on this the anniversary of their clean date:

Joel K
3 years ⇛ 1095 days clean! Congrats my friend.
Give that man a cigar, as he is doing this gig, Just For Today.

Jack W
1 decade ⇛ 10 years ⇛ 3652 days
No matter how one counts it, it still adds up.
Congrats, my friend, i am glad you are part of my recovery.

so that was then, ancient history as it were, and certainly a place i am quite familiar with and can return to at any time. yesterday i got a lesson in seeing myself through the actions of others, and i did not like what i saw. when i told someone that HOW they did something was hurtful, they responded with smoke and mirrors, rationalizations, justifications and the promises of doing something in the future. the message i got was that i was not worth the time to do it correctly and that somehow i was less than they were. i know that was not their intention, but one certainly knows the road to hell is paved with! in my anger the other day, at my team member, i see my behavior was not dissimilar to the manner i was treated in, and i had already made my admission of being wrong to them. not that owning my wrong, makes it right, but it certainly goes a long ways toward restoring the equality between myself and my peer. decision-making, is a skill i am learning to do, by going against what i once believed and taking responsibility for where my life is going. playing the piano, is not part of my skill-set, but it could become so, with diligent practice. decision-making is the part of that paradigm, a skill that i lacked any decent ability to do, and that i need to make conscious choices about diligently practicing in my life today.
can i make decisions today with the confidence i can accept the consequences? not by a long shot. i will still try and justify, rationalize, and obfuscate my way out. i can however, so a bit better at allowing myself the freedom to fail, so i can learn to do better in the future. sometimes a huge fail is a better teacher that a ginormous success, even though i prefer the latter.

∞ DT ∞