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one of the basic elements of my new pattern of living, is regular meeting attendance. there was a time when i went to a meeting every single day. those days are way past, and i have found that i can do better than survive on three meetings a week. like most addicts who have more than 90 days clean, i discover that my life is much more full than i ever dreamed possible, and going to meetings takes away from the time i have. for me, it has to be a conscious decision to make meetings, and I HAVE to COMMIT to being at certain meetings every week. not for those who are, nor for those who may show up, FOR ME!
of course, i could twist this into something that sounds oh so altruistic, noble and spiritual. after talking with one of the men i sponsor yesterday, disguising my motives in the flash and smoke of a spiritual principle or three, is not something i wish to engage in this morning. it is true, that another member may benefit from the act of me attending a meeting, and that is a wonderful side-effect of me going to that meeting. i am finally coming around to see that it is my program, and doing what i need to do for me to stay clean, that is the driving force behind all of this. yes it is true that i carry the message through sponsorship and sharing at meetings, BUT that is an active expression of my work on the 12th STEP. to say anything else, would be a lie, and this morning i am in a spot where deluding myself into believing that i am some sort of super spiritual human, who has all the answers is not where i want to be.
the real question is what is the nature of this sudden cup of spiritual coffee into my face? why is it this morning, i am all about me, and although i am grateful that others can benefit from selfish acts, i am more focused on how i benefit from those same acts? part of it i believe comes down to the end of my annual cycle. over the past month or so, i have had quite the roller-coaster ride in respect to how far i have or have nor come, since that first day that i accepted that maybe i had a problem and grew just enough willingness to possible to something about it. as always, i want to be further, and minimize how far i have come. that is insane of course, as the preponderance of the evidence happens to be, that i am not who i was. yes that person still exists, there has been no 12 step body snatched that replaced that man with the one who stands before you today. the man i am today, is the result of the process of recovery, of which meeting attendance happens to be just a small part. that process has taken the shell of a person who walked into recovery and is creating the sort of person he always wanted to be. so when i selfishly attend meetings to foster that process, i get results. i hear something i would not have heard, i feel something i would not have felt, and i get the opportunity to share what i have learned, or happen to be going through with someone who just may need what i am serving up.
anyhow, speaking with Casey yesterday brought all of this home. i go down to see him, because he is helping me as i help him. i GET to spend several hours driving back and forth to consider what transpired or where we need to go. when all is said and done, however, we booth get our selfish needs met, and we both get to recover at least for those few hours we spend together. because of that brief time, i am becoming closer to him than any of the other men i sponsor. this relationship is so compressed, it actually is quite intense. i could go on, but what i am feeling now is a gradient that there are those who trust my guidance, even though some days i wonder if i am really doing anything at all. the answer to that my friends is in the mind of the POWER that keeps me clean, and i do believe i will leave it there for now. it is time to take a trot around the neighborhood, to work off those excess calories 5 hours of driving accumulated yesterday. i can and will get back to doing what works for me, and this week it means two more meetings at least, and who knows what else. it is a great day to be clean, today. so off to hit the streest i go.

∞ DT ∞