Blog entry for:

of living, thanks to a daily recovery routine, allows me the FREEDOM to walk through this wicked world, searching for light in the darkness of insanity, i realize all hope is not lost. a bit choppy in my opening but peace, love and understanding was on my mind this morning as i sat down to pound this little random bit of my feelings out. for the record, i am not one of those who goes to a meeting on a daily basis, it has probably been at least a decade since i did a ninety days of daily meetings. in fact, as of late, i find myself struggling to even keep up three meetings a week routine that has served me so well. oh i have a million little pieces of rationalizations, justifications and flat-out lies. tall of those start with “BUT I!” the sad fact of life in this addict's head. is that i have come to believe, sanely or insanely, that somehow there is very little a meeting can offer me, in regards with how to live my life with a pile of clean-time, under my belt.
as i was sitting this morning, my own so-called words of wisdom that i cast out to a sponsee last night, came back to haunt me, specifically what i do to foster my recovery on a daily basis pays off better than investing in bitcoin. it is so freaking easy for me dispense pearls of wisdom to others, while choosing to blatantly ignore them in my life. does that mean i am going to commence on a ninety meetings in ninety days regimen? not likely, but what i do think is a good exercise for me, is to look at when and where i may need to add a meeting to my current recovery routine.
moving along, what i have been feeling lately, is a bit overwhelmed and mostly by stuff i have very little control over. no, not the latest tell-all tale emanating from the confines of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, i am quite enured to that little slice of insanity. what is leaving me feeling a bit out of sorts is how all of my plans over the past week, have been for naught. i was still trying to decide whether or not i was going to take off work and head on down to Cañon City to support a sponsee in October, when his hearing was pushed up a month. now i have committed to next Wednesday. the money i am waiting for, is somewhere between Mexico and my bank account and my patience with this process is wearing more than a bit thin. on my way last night, i was asked to take a detour and i did, without hesitation. all of a sudden, what i feel being manifest in my life, is that all the responsibility and power i once thought i had, is being shown to be part of an insane illusion, i crafted for myself. when illusions evaporate, all of a sudden i can see what is really going on, and what i am seeing is that i have been distracting myself from what i need to do, just for today. i want what i want, when i want it, DAMMIT ALL! the answer i keep getting is: “NOT YET!”
WHEW! that is a bit of a load off of whatever. i am now seeing that as i insanely try and grab the reins of my life, i am denying my FAITH in the process that has brought me this far and the example i am setting is far from exemplary. not that i have to be a shining beacon of recovery goodness, but i do need to allow myself the FREEDOM to doubt and refine my FAITH, and distractions takes those opportunities away from me. it is a good day to be clean and although i may not make a regularly scheduled meeting, i certainly do have more than one bit of recovery work planned, just for today.

∞ DT ∞