Blog entry for:

and selfless service, is a topic i have written about many, many times in the past. i am not about to provide links to all my previous musings, as i leave that to the curious to uncover on their own. i will, however, say that for me, i am grateful that my sponsor suggested that i learn to serve my peers in the fellowship, as if it was “felonious,” simply meaning that i kept all that i did, on the very down low, instead of trumpeting my work and accepting adulation and praise for it. i still serve my fellows, on a very personal level, on the group level and carrying the message to those who might not otherwise hear it. as proud as i am about when and where i serve, i have also learned, as i detached my identity from being “of service,” that i did not need approval, adulation or even acknowledgement of what i do, to feel good about myself and what i do for my peers and my fellowship. i was still sick enough when my sponsor suggested this new mode of being of service, that i was ready to seek out a new sponsor and pitch this one to the curb. it turns out that he saw more than i did on that fateful day and i have never regretted taking his suggestion and moving on to the place i serve from today.
this morning, after one of the most restful nights i have had in weeks, i feel a whole helluva bit lighter. yesterday, despite my desire to hang on to hope, i cut loose from a service commitment i made to a friend. i had agreed to help them “shepherd” their little inheritance responsibly, back when they were a guest of the Boulder Count Sheriff. a month ago, i helped them get out on bond, so they could get their life together, by going to treatment. for the past thirty days, they have been locked in a jail of their own making, wasting their funds on hotel rooms, and consistently missing their goal to stay clean for five days straight, so they could get into the program. of course, they were less than happy when i handed them an envelope with the majority of what they had left and flat out told them that i was done. i am now freed from the evening calls with their wild plans and the pleading for me to come out of my house and take care of their “needs” right now. i am sure they see it in a different light and i really do not care, they have had more than enough time to act as if they were actually an adult, instead of a fourteen year old in a forty-five year old body. i know for me, getting out from under the weight of their active addiction and feelings of entitlement and victimhood, was exactly what i needed to do, and after thirty days of nothing changing, i had lost any hope of them taking any responsibility for their lives and walk away.
the oddest thing they dais on my way out yesterday, was they did not know they had a “deadline” to get their act together, when they had already missed four of them. ironically, now i have joined the cast of thousands who is oppressing them and depriving them of having a life free from the threat of incarceration. SO BE IT 🤯! the time has come for me to post this little ditty and get out and about to burn off a thousand or so calories. i know that serving others, namelessly is what i need to do and although their will always be a desire for acknowledgement of that service, within me, i can certainly live better without seeking it out, just for today.

∞ DT ∞