Blog entry for:

yes, i took the whole thing, as that was what struck me as the perfect seed for what i am about today. as promised, the meeting with my sponse, happened last night and today i am doing my best to implement his suggestions into my life. yes i smack dab in the middle of the SIXTH STEP and although powerless over how it will work me, i do have some power about how i will CONSCIOUSLY work it, starting with taking a suggestion or two and allowing myself to actively pursue change, instead of stubbornly resist it. i know, i know, resistance is futile and i will be assimilated, yeah, yeah yeah!
i could but will not go on, spouting one tired cliché and bromide after another, to illustrate my point of how beat up i had to be, to finally let go. the honest truth is i am where i am, and as a result, i will consciously do what i am able to do, to foster my letting go of my resistance to change, including but not limited to, the suggestions put forward by my sponsor last night. it was easier to work this step when all i had to do was open the step guide and answer the fifty questions about shades of grey that task encompassed, and that still may be part of my work. i am starting to get, that as i grow, the way i work the steps as well as the manner in which they work me, will continue to evolve as well. one of the suggestions that i am working over in my head, is to allow myself to smile and greet those members i do not respect with a sincere, “i am glad you are here,” and walk away. thus taking back all the personal power that i have already wasted on them in my head.
yes i just said i had personal power and that i have wasted it. the program does say i am powerless over my addiction, and infers that i am powerless over the addiction of others. the program does say that i need to surrender my will and my life into the care of a POWER greater than myself. finally it says that i need to pray only for knowledge of that POWER's will for me and the power to carry it out, so where do i get the notion i have any power at all? directly from my life as a recovering addict and as it is implied in the program itself. nowhere does it say i have to conform, inform or preform. i am given freedom to choose, every step along the way and many times my choices, are an expression of the will of that POWER, and many times it is not. having such freedom, is the first expression of personal power and quite frankly i am sick to death of squandering it on people, places, things and situations that do not enhance my living and recover experience. that is part of what getting entirely ready is for me and what else may happen along the way, well that will be discovered as i actively and consciously choose to apply my personal power to my step work. i can be a step victim, as step Nazi or a step participant and today i CHOOSE to be a participant instead of anything else. so off to jail to see a sponsee, and then well certainly a very busy day. life is all about change and although i am loathe to say it, if i am not growing, i am going.

∞ DT ∞