Blog entry for:

to save my life. once upon a time, not all that long ago, a statement such as that would strike me as hyperbole and more than a bit of false humility. over time, i have come to see that selfless service to myself, my community, my family, my peers and my fellowship, is a critical component of living a program of active recovery. it would nice to say that i might be perfectly selfless, but that would be quite a stretch, as i still look for a payoff, even if it is just a bit more self-respect and self-esteem, because i did the next right thing, when no one was looking. i can say, however, that doing exactly that, does help me to find the ways and means to get through another day clean. i have found, much to my surprise,that when i like myself and treat myself well, selfless service to the world around me, becomes almost second nature.
ah, but resting on my laurels and musing about how freaking selfless i have become, may be nice and even honest. i, however, cannot afford to live in that space for very long, as i will once again, fall into the trap of believing my own hype. i know from experience, once i stop looking at myself and accept what is as TRUTH, it becomes the TRUTH. i have been the prisoner of my own “TRUTH” for far too long and am no longer to victimize myself, at least in that manner, ever again. it is sort of like the flat-earthers who cannot believe their own eyes and jump through major hoops to reconcile what they detect with their senses, with what they are so desperate trying to believe. been there, done that, only my T-shirt said i am too broken to be seen in public.
despite decades of those around me, telling me that i was worthy and certainly worth loving myself, i justified, minimized and rationalized away their kind and more than likely truthful sentiments. i know now, that once my eyes were opened and i finally “saw” who i was, through serving others, i started on the spookiest and most rewarding journey of my lifetime: uncovering the person i hid for all those years. as i get ready to wrap this up, i know that just for today, there will be plenty of opportunities for me to shine through the muck that life on life's terms pitches my way, all i have to do is look for them.

∞ DT ∞