Some memes

better than this by now, is a familiar refrain, especially as i approach another anniversary of my clean date. over the days of my recovery, it seems the expectations i hold on to the tightest are those about my progress of healing through the process of recovery. i have never been patient and the seemingly glacial pace of healing, is all the more frustrating at this time of year. i do know that my perception of where i think i am and where i actually am, are light years apart. even though i cringe when i am grouped into the “dinosaurs, old-timers and predecessors” bucket, the truth is, i certainly do belong there, if one just counts the days in a row that i have been clean. life as a recovering addict has certainly been good for me and more than likely for those who love me and the world in general. the amount of damage i leave in my “wake” today, is mostly minimal. when it is not, i go back to the line with which i started this exercise: “i should…”
once upon a time, i though that there was a stratification in the fellowship based on clean time and my observations of how those with lots of it were treated seemed to reinforce that misrepresentation of what i saw. the fact is, long term clean time, and visibly living a program of recovery, create respect form those who see how i walk through my life. the “awe” i once felt for those who had decades clean has faded and i see those peers as no different than me, they just have been at this process longer than i have and have received the fruits of their labor, just as i have. today, as i prepare to wrap this up and go for a leisurely stroll to accomplish my daily goal of 11K steps, i am feeling grateful that i did not throw in the towel, when the going got tough for me, and glacial as it may seem, changes are still happening within me, on a daily basis. just for today.

∞ DT ∞