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i have always found surrender better than denial, recovery superior to addiction. even though all of that is true, i still find myself resistant to change. it is overcoming the inertia of that resistance that is the crux of the problem for me. as much as i like to think that all of this is behind me, i discover on a nearly daily basis that there are parts of me i am unwilling to let go of. yes i want freedom from active addiction, and yes i have been given the opportunity to choose that path, today and for many days in a row previous to today, and yet, like the siren song, it still calls me back time and time again to those old familiar patters of behavior.
what is it, other than the FEAR of the unknown face of change that is driving such a regressive attitude? probably nothing more, as i have heard it said, in the program FAITH can replace FEAR, if i allow myself to practice just the tiniest bit of courage. just like it took FAITH to practice courage in my early days of recovery, just to stay clean, so this far down the line that still remains the solution.
today has been one of those topsy-turvy days where i did things way out of my routine. i worked, then worked out, and now i am finally writing this blog and as a result, what i heard several hours ago has changed. what i thought about this morning, what seems like days ago, was who i saw when i got clean and who i should emulate. as i think about it now, i see that i was quite naive about what was really going on, what i saw was those members who had material success, and that was what i wanted. what i see now is those members who have spiritual wealth, they are comfortable in their own skin, walk with purpose and generally appear to have fulfilling lives. those are the members i wish to emulate these days. from my brief experiences, they all seem to have one thing in common. they do not rest on their laurels. they are working active programs of recovery and it is that example that is the outside force that changes the nature of my inertia. anyhow i have a bunch of work to get done, and although this was a wonderful break, the time to move on is upon me. i am grateful for the work and i am also grateful for the time i get to work on myself, just for today. so off to the trenches i go.

∞ DT ∞