Blog entry for:

may not be working, but at least i am very familiar with it. well here is my opportunity to let go and use all the trite and tired metaphors and analogies that i have stored up across the days i have been clean. or i could attempt to venture out of that box and speak about change and how it is manifest in my life.
most change, at least for me, is so incremental and subtle that for the most part i do not detect it until it is way too late. all of a sudden, what was once acceptable to me, is no longer acceptable, and as i skip back through the days leading up to that realization, i see that i had been moving in that direction for quite some time. that sort of movement can be certainly compared to a glacier, and the evidence is in what is left behind, a new landscape and the detritus of what was scraped off during the journey. that sort of change, is harder to resist as it happens beneath my conscious awareness, not all that unlike that magic day i realized that the desire to use had left me months before.
the changes i am thinking about this morning are those that are drastic and sudden, such as the change in my life, the day i stopped using, or the day i finally accepted that i was an addict and needed to find something more, if i wanted to be comfortable in my life. those changes, as abrupt as they were, were changes that forced me to look at my belief structure and begin the dismantling of what i had so carefully constructed across the course of my active addiction. no matter how hard i tried to disprove the fact that i needed to change, no matter how hard i resisted the notion that the changes would be for the better, no matter how unmanageable my life may have been, the familiar pain was something i was willing to hold on to. what did it take for me, to finally let go and allow the program to start to work in my life? PAIN greater than i had ever experienced and great enough to cause me to seek a solution, and <GASP> allow the change to actually be manifest in my life and recovery.
that was then and this was now, and am i still resistant to change and the reason is the exact same, FEAR of the unknown effects of letting go and what will happen. yes the face of the unknown future scares the living bejeezus out of me. the reading reminds me that yes, i can accept change, and yes i can survive change, which is the most important takeaway for me this morning. so with that in mind, i think i will wrap this up, get back to work and see if i can survive the change today may bring. heck, maybe even thrive because of it!

∞ DT ∞