Blog entry for:

from changing the stuff that i can, becoming willing however, well that is certainly a different sort of animal. it has been my experience in the minute that i have been clean and living a program of active recovery, that there are times that i do not know how to change, no matter how willing i may be, or how necessary that change may be. being afraid, is often my excuse for not wanting to do the hard work that may be required. it is so much easier on my psyche to say i am afraid, than to say that i am lazy. over and over and over again, i see all sorts of examples in my life of those who may not know the path to learn something new, but are unwilling to try for one reason or another. if i were to live in the fear of change and allow my life to be ruled by it, i would not be where i am today, i would have returned to a life of misery, rather than taking the hard road to learning to live in recovery.
all of that being said, i decided yesterday to stop being a such a “dick.” having been freed from a huge weight on Friday. all of a sudden it seems, i felt entitled to do what i please, regardless of the consequences. what did that get me? a night in the spare room and the cone of silence, neither of which made for a pleasant experience. as drove in today, i felt myself slipping back into that mode as more than one driver zipped past me after tailgating me and flashing their lights at me. i did not give them the single finger salute, no matter how much i thought their behavior warranted that attention. i did call them an a$$hole, and went on my merry way. it really was not a heinous commute, save for those moments when i forgot i could change the manner in which i responded, nay, reacted to the behaviors of others. sitting here in the office, pounding out this little ditty, i can see that i gave away my personal serenity to those who had no clue that they upset me and GAWD do i hate that. oh well, i have another opportunity this afternoon to hold on to my personal power and make it home safe and sound.
moving into the here and now, i feel the fear that i will not be good enough and the little diver i am taking to strengthen my skillset may cost me more than a few days of actual work, if i fail to get something done that i can show my peers and my bosses. i do know that doing this little bit of a breather, before diving into my assignment, is not a bad thing and perhaps by noon today, i will have the beginning of my project ready to display. so it is time to coffee up and get the training site rolling again, so i can work with dispatch on what i need and want to do, a green field implementation, one of the the tasks i am not well-versed in, but one i am willing to attempt. what is the worse thing that can happen? they hate my work and ask me to start over, which would be me, still succeeding, even though it may look like a failure. i can move through my FEAR and be cool with what i can do, just for today.

∞ DT ∞