Blog entry for:

finding the courage to change the things i can change and most importantly the wisdom to know the difference. i ran into someone from the dawn of my recovery, yesterday and was struck by how stuck they are in what was, their entitlement and new-agey feel good denial tactics. they are exactly where they were when i last saw them and it amazes me how someone can do this gig for so long and remain so clueless and miserable. the clue is in what i heard them say, that they work this program and nothing about living this program. right now, all i can see that they have to offer me, is another bad example of what can happen if i decide that i am not worth living a program and want to get by on perpetual FOURTH STEPS, milking the system for what i can get and ignoring the fact that sometimes my best is not good enough.
the change i made, was a good one, as now they actually have to make some effort to get in touch with me, and i sincerely doubt that they will make the effort. for me, they will fade into one of those relationships i once had and no longer have in m y life. the pain ceases now, as the band-aid has been pulled off in one swell foop!
what else can i change today? an interesting question, as i am in the middle of an assignment to desensitize myself from my FEAR of change, that manifests itself as resistance to change. i want, i want, i want, that is all i hear coming through the echoes of the space between my ears, and as i sat quietly this morning, i finally started to get a glimpse of life beyond what i think i need, what i want and what i believe i am entitled to. it amazes me, the cues i pick up from others especially about what i am owed, when in fact the only thing i am owed, is the CHANCE to live this recovery gig, in this slice of 24 hours.
is my life a little bit emptier because i have decided to admire a butterfly from afar? perhaps, but i am not looking for any transient relationships, i have enough of those in my life. i am not looking for grand changes and schemes, nor am i seeking anything more than just the opportunity to be self-supporting, healthy and just a bit wiser than yesterday.
i cannot change myself, much less anyone else, so learning to accept me as i am, is the price i pay for another day clean. the nice part, is those i cannot or will not accept, need not be a ongoing part of my recovery or my life, HERE I HAVE A CHOICE, and today i have the wisdom to know which side the bread is buttered on for me, to mangle a cliché!
next on tap?
get all the documentation that my new full-time is requesting together and sent off, get a long-ass run in, get my current task list complete and live the best i can, just for today, it is after all, all i have.

∞ DT ∞