Blog entry for:

to step out into the unknown. i am often reminded by one of the men i sponsor of a trite little bon mot that i shared with him, what was probably forever ago. i told him it was not CHANGE that was painful, change is inevitable, it was my RESISTANCE to change that was painful, and that resistance if futile, because change just happens, whether or not i desire it to be so. the reading, which certainly looking at change, is change of a different sort, as it suggests that i have taken an active part in changing my life and that i continue, to do so. if all change was just a matter of letting go and then passively sitting by and allowing it to happen, life would be quite easy for sure. HOWEVER, life and change is not always that easy and sometimes, when i get sick and tired enough, i have to do something to foster the change myself.
a case in point, currently i am less than pleased with my job. i have whined about it, acted out my displeasure on my co-workers and customers and generally been a piece of shite when i do anything even a smidgen past what i am expected to do. what steps have i taken? i have applied for a single job that dropped into my lap, by a recruiter seeking me out. how is that working out for me? not very well, i am still stuck where i was, and even worse i made such a bad impression in my last interview, i am probably blackballed forever form that company. so it goes, bitterness and bile does not get me very far. yesterday, i took the step of responding to recruiter and putting my name into consideration for more than just the most comfortable looking job on their block. i had to ask others for professional references, fix my profile on their website and generally take a whole bunch of action to get something different in my life going. talk about FEAR and the shit-ton of “what-ifs.” what i am feeling today, is less FEAR and more HOPE, even though nothing at all may come of my actions yesterday, at least i did something more than sit on my figurative bar-stool and whine about stuff that i do have a bit power to affect a bit of change.
i know that for the past six months, change has been a prominent theme in my life, some of it was way out of my control but most of it, i initiated myself and even though it made my life better in the long run, in the short run, it certainly sucked. the peace and balance i felt on Monday was out the door by Tuesday, and today i can feel a bit of it returning. i am resolved and yes i know what that word means, to take the balance i can find through acceptance and use it to affect the changes i desire to see in my life. the toughest part for me, is to take action and not plan an outcome, because i am quite world famous at future fVcking myself. with that in mind, it is time to shower off and head on down to the office, after all, it is a good day to earn my paycheck.

∞ DT ∞