Some memes

old patterns from becoming new problems, by being vigilant. my last sponsor chastised me more than once for using the term old behaviors or old patterns. he said if i was doing them or following them in the present tense, they were hardly old. they were familiar, well-established or current. i snuck the term into this exercise because it came from my seed and it just seemed to fit what i was thinking and feeling today. unlike some of my peers i do not live in abject fear of relapse, but you would not find me walking into a crack house, just to see what is happening. i may be a bit of a risk taker, but i certainly am not ignorant. vigilance does not make me smarter or more careful, but it does allow me to see when the part of me i call addiction is starting to creep back into action.
what i heard from the quiet this morning is that perhaps i am misunderstanding my teammate. how that relates to vigilance i am not sure, but it seems he does not get how to interact with me, even though he sees me joking around with my customers and my other teammates. i saw the puzzled look on his face as i sat with a customer last night, shooting the shit. i am not sure what that was about, but it seems to go to my theory that living alone with his dog in his car denies him personal human contact and when i am in my best, i am loud, obnoxious, sarcastic and more than a bit profane in my use of language. that may be a bit off-putting, that however is who i am and i am not going back to who i never really was. as i scrape off the part of me that i used to keep myself away from others, i am finding that i do have a bit more personality than i once believed. my teammate? well i can stay mad at his little bit of passive-aggressive bullshit or i can just walk away from it and accept that is what he is always going to do.
anyhow, i heard a whole lot of quiet today. the Dick thing surfaced afterwards. i have places to go and people to see and as a result, am starting to lose the thread that this exercise requires. i know who i am today, fearful of being weak and feeble and more fearful of anyone seeing how weak and feeble i am. in days past, that would mean run and hide behind a bravado of male toxicity and walls of steel. today it means, step out, be okay and know that my fears, both of them, are more than likely irrational and the result of repeating a lie often enough and long enough for them to take root. the need not be permanent and perhaps the steps will show me how to release them, but not today.

∞ DT ∞