Blog entry for:

honestly i do not see myself ever **QUIETLY** surrendering to anything, BUT i can start off with the ideal and talk about how i am making progress towards that goal.
for me, all of these spiritual principles, especially the ones that i once inferred were signs of weakness, are difficult to achieve. part of my current, ongoing insanity, is basing my actions on the lies i tell myself and most if not all of those lies were told to me and reinforced by society and culture. i am quite sure that the stricture forbidding outward displays of emotion is not trait necessary for survival of the species. i digress however and back on to point, regardless if the end result is a function of nature or nurture, i came to recovery an emotional as well as a spiritual cripple, and i am slowly being rehabilitated.
so this surrender → acceptance gig brings up all kinds of garbage for me, then there is this whole spirit in the sky idea to top it off, kind of reminds me of a sh!t sandwich! or at least that was how it was once upon a time for me. i was not the easiest sell on the block when i came around to this way of living, and the cynic within is still part and parcel of the package i am today. i GET that and i ACCEPT that, and you know what i can even surrender to that fact, because today, unlike the day i walked into the rooms, i have been given a path to discover who the real person is that happens to be walking in this physical body.
it was quite upsetting to more than one person at the meeting last night when a newcomer, a perpetual newcomer said the steps were the path to discovering and becoming who we really were. i am not sure which was more upsetting to them, the message or the messenger, to me it made perfect sense, regardless of where it came from, it just felt correct. this particular reading this morning, fits into that same perfect world of me getting what i need when i need it, i NEEDED to hear that message last night, just as i needed to contemplate this whole surrender becoming acceptance process. as the internal critic warns there is danger in drinking that KOOL AID, once i start to surrender and add that to my daily repertoire, then what acceptance is the result. once i accept that i cannot continue to live the way i have been living, then i have to actively apply this process to my life and as i live by the precepts of the program that has given me this new manner of living, i get to see who i rally am, what if i do not like that person when i uncover him? well i will never know unless i happen to arrive there, will i? i can always return to the person i was when i walked in here, that i know how to do quite well, as i practiced it for years on years. the challenge today is to become the person i was always meant to be and the path to that ends it the recovery process upon which i am embarked.
yews there is pain and work involved, and some days it feels like i am doing a whole bunch of work and feeling boatloads of pain, and getting nothing in return. other days it feels like the rewards keep coming, and i am doing absolutely nothing.
most days however fall somewhere in between and on those days i have to remember that it is a choice to where i am today, not my fate. i can learn to surrender my will and my into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery OR i can resist, fight and otherwise impede my journey towards becoming the person i have always wanted to be. where am i today? ready to surrender to the face that at 53, six days of running in a row does place a strain on my physical self, and that four days off, is the smallest of the things i can do to take care of myself. sitting on my step work until the pain of changing is less than the pain of staying the same, is not the healthiest choice i can make, BUT it is who i am today. the man i am becoming DOES NOT NEED to act that way, that too is by choice and not by fate. so i can be more, feel more and live more, or not. i choose the former and not the latter, at least in this instant of time,. who knows what choice i will make on the other side of my shower. after all, that man has yet to arrive.

∞ DT ∞