Blog entry for:

i nurture my conscious contact with the POWER that fuels my recovery and ALLOW IT to continue to care for me.
lots of topics and directions run through my head, as i start to settle on one direction and move forward. i understand the notion that acceptance like love, grows with work, no matter how strong the initial event happens to be. it is quite evident, from the way my life in recovery has gone, as well as many of my peers. when i shared last night, about how grateful i was that this program was not about what and how much i once used, i saw some of my peers, who are on the fringe cringe and shuffle around uncomfortably. their discomfort is the same as mine was, way back when, when i used to believe that it was all about what i used, and how long i had been abstinent form each and every substance. although i was frequently discouraged not to, i kept a running tab in my head when i last used what. that way, if push came to shove, i could have at least one measure of my clean-time that “looked” like i was doing well. back then it was all about how i looked, after all i took key tags for even months was doing a little sumthin' sumthin' on the side. so i get why those on drug replacement therapy and medical cannabis, do not want their covers pulled, they are already suffering the consequences of not being clean and trying to fit into a fellowship where we talk about everything BUT the drugs. as long as it is all about the drugs, i was good, but when i started to realize that the drugs were not the real problem. that i did not have a drug problem at all, well talk about one confused pup. no, the words i said to that district court judge way back when, were the truth: i am an addict, i am not any sort of “oholic” however, never have been, although i used to imitate one in the rooms, and never will be one. my growing acceptance of that fact, is what keeps me coming back even after thousands of days clean, in a row. when i joke about joining another fellowship because i want to do something without losing my clean time, there is more than a grain of truth in those jests, and that too seems to make many of the fringe squirm in their seats. i express, their hidden fears and desires openly and without malice, as i am commenting about what goes on in my twisted little skull. i have my connection to the flow of recovery, as it has come down from those who were at the only meeting in the world, all those decades ago. there is no need for any large piece of literature, as the fellowship those addicts bravely stated, provides for all my needs, and never ever has to be about what and how much i used. listening to a newcomer share twice last night, i know where they are coming from. IF they decide that they bare one of us, and need not go anywhere else to find a solution, then they are stuck with quite a huge hurdle to get over: the substance is irrelevant, it is the lifestyle and yes personality that requires change. just as i grow to love someone, and i understand how that works today, so i come to accept it is not what i used, but me as a person, that is the focus of this fellowship. it is my behaviors, and self-centered selfishness, that requires change -- not what i want or do not want to use. the only way that process can happen is for me to drink the Kool-Ade, do the work and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery, to continue to care for me, just for today.

∞ DT ∞