Blog entry for:

durable bond with the fellowship that has given me a new way of life and a spiritual path that provides me the opportunities for every thing i need, was not something i ever thought i wanted. ironically it is that bond that keeps me clean and coming back.
i thought this would be short little ditty that i would dash off before running out the door to meet friends for breakfast. what has happened however, is now i am having breakfast at home and allowing my plans for the next few hours to be tossed just ever so slightly. having had surrendered to the fact that in the world in general i have very little power, especially when it comes to the physical, emotional and spiritual health of those who are in my life. i even accept, at least this morning, that what i thought i would be doing, is not what i may end up doing, after all. as i sit here and eat oatmeal and wistfully sigh about the lukewarm and nearly congealed eggs i would have been eating, i see that perhaps i am doing better than i think i am. i would have ordered my eggs sunny-side up and the restaurant would have served them in a less than appetizing manner and i would have bitched and moaned all over social media about what a piece of shite that kitchen is. instead i get muse about the nature of the bond i have built to a program of recovery. the problem there, is that i CHOOSE not to surrender to the fact that kitchen is incapable of pleasing me with eggs cooked to my satisfaction and instead of accepting that fact and ordering something different, a dish that they may do well, i set them up to fail, time and again. it goes to a pattern of behavior, that i am quite familiar with, as i have been practicing it for quite some time: building myself up at the expense of others. this reading is not about less than stellar behaviors or what i think of the world around me. the diversion into other areas of my life, demonstrates that i really do not savor writing about the notions of acceptance and surrender and look to divert myself with the first squirrel that comes along.
for me, the problem is not in allowing surrender to morph into acceptance, it is surrendering in the first place. i came to recovery with the notion that i could control nearly everything around me. as mistaken as i was, that notion still holds more than its fair share of power over my mood. sure, i am better than i used to be and have surrendered and yes accepted and embraced that i am powerless over addiction and i cannot stay clean under my own power. i surrender to the fact that i have a very pedestrian and average fantasy football team, and yet for some reason i am getting marks in the win column, so i coming to accept that my team may just be good enough to get into the playoffs. the list of what i have surrendered to and now am moving towards acceptance is quite lengthy and will not be detailed, here and now. the biggest surrender that i have done, is that i am not comfortable with the GOD that many of my peers use to keep them clean. i surrendered to the idea that i would need to look elsewhere, after a decade or more, of trying to fit myself into their bucket. my desire to conform and my FEAR of “missing out” prolonged a struggle that was so unnecessary and nearly fatal to me. i have FAITH today in the program and whether or not it is “GOD-given,” is no longer relevant to me. i KNOW that some POWER is providing me what i NEED to stay clean today, and i can call it AL or whatever. the fact remains that in my worldview, it is the fellowship that keeps me coming back and it is that POWER that keeps me coming back clean, and i am not talking about Paul Simon or Chevy Chase!

∞ DT ∞