๐ conscious contact ๐
Posted: Wed, Nov 11, 2020 07:51:00 AM
the sad and difficult to accept dirge of my life continues unabated. after twelve hours in front of my work computer, i had to be back at at one-thirty this morning and back in front of the client at six-thirty this morning. even worse, my recruiter seems to be having issues that i am a full-stack developer that has worked in DevOps for the past five years and wants me to drum up some references, other than my co-workers. it can go without saying that this morning i am not in the “happiest place on Earth!”
all of that aside, i may be okay, if i get to sneak out for a trot, get the massage i have planned for this afternoon and meet a sponsee for some step work this evening. if not, i may just implode and drift away. so exactly where does surrendering to the fact that right now it sucks to be me, become acceptance of the fact that this too shall pass. it is difficult for me to finds the silver lining in all this adversity and hope for a brighter day tomorrow. i feel ground down, put down and at a constant low boil, ready to lash out at the slightest whiff of disrespect. this is not a good state of being for this addict and for my own well-being i am going to have to do a deep dive into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, by pausing before speaking and allowing myself to feel the “NEXT correct action to take.” what i am, hoping for the the strength and wisdom to make it through today and not burn down my house.
already at the boiling point because the client relies on a single source to state that they see issues, without investigation. this is the second day in a row that it has to be my issue. when i step away for an hour here in a few minutes, i am going to pound his whiny voice into the pavement as i get my steps, using my emotions to release the burden and allow myself to return as a much calmer version of myself. i know that is not a “positive” to deal with my anger, but it just may prevent me from doing or saying something that i might regret. so as i go off to the races and into the fray, i need to carry the feeling i got as i sat this morning, with me for as long as i can.
all of that aside, i may be okay, if i get to sneak out for a trot, get the massage i have planned for this afternoon and meet a sponsee for some step work this evening. if not, i may just implode and drift away. so exactly where does surrendering to the fact that right now it sucks to be me, become acceptance of the fact that this too shall pass. it is difficult for me to finds the silver lining in all this adversity and hope for a brighter day tomorrow. i feel ground down, put down and at a constant low boil, ready to lash out at the slightest whiff of disrespect. this is not a good state of being for this addict and for my own well-being i am going to have to do a deep dive into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, by pausing before speaking and allowing myself to feel the “NEXT correct action to take.” what i am, hoping for the the strength and wisdom to make it through today and not burn down my house.
already at the boiling point because the client relies on a single source to state that they see issues, without investigation. this is the second day in a row that it has to be my issue. when i step away for an hour here in a few minutes, i am going to pound his whiny voice into the pavement as i get my steps, using my emotions to release the burden and allow myself to return as a much calmer version of myself. i know that is not a “positive” to deal with my anger, but it just may prevent me from doing or saying something that i might regret. so as i go off to the races and into the fray, i need to carry the feeling i got as i sat this morning, with me for as long as i can.
∞ DT ∞