Blog entry for:

as i start my the longest on-call shift i have ever had, i wonder if being of service is really what i want to do at work. it is true that covering the shifts for my off-shore team mate was not that big of a stretch, as i was already on-call for most of that time anyhow, and yet, i wonder. the offer has already been accepted, so really i just have to deal with the consequences, which may or may not be all that heinous. after dropping that load of 💩 i am ready to move along down the road.
honestly i do not wake up each morning and ask myself what it is i need to do to be “of service.” in fact, most of the time i go through an internal debate wondering whether i am serving or am i enabling someone else to skip their responsibility to pick-up the slack. when i finally got to a place in my life, where i detached my identity from my service efforts by doing service on the down-low, i started to see that i also had to let go of all sorts of outcomes. i saw that serving my fellowship and the world around me was certainly an attempt to fill a place in my, that still had not been healed and i looked good in the process. more and more these days, as i struggle to see where i came from and the stories i have created and morphed into the TRUTH, when i hear my peers share about the void that service fills for them, i have to pause and reflect on what serving others does for me today. i am certainly not the most spiritual kid on the block that brims with positivity and life-altering affirmations, but i do, do my part to make this sluice of reality a bit more pleasant for those around me. if that is service, than i am all over it.
moving into this day, i have to consider myself. how best do i serve my interests, all the while being of service to those around me. sure they pay me to show up and be present at work, but my employer has already shown me signs that for them, the bottom line is more important than any one of their employees and they will drop me like a hot potato if they feel i cost more than i produce. to them loyalty means very little. i use the slack time at work to train for my next position, as i know mine is coming to an end. i get to be better, while doing my job and all in all, not too shabby of a deal, for now.
today, i think i will be present for the opportunities to serve my fellow humans and not live with my head buried in the sand. i also need to remember that my service to others, needs to start in my own home, with my loved ones and expand from their. if i am ignoring the needs of my partner in life and taking her for granted, how much do i really have to give to others and what exactly are my motives for seeking external opportunities to serve? in my case, i am pretty sure it comes down to looking good instead of being good. just for today, it is time to let go of how i look and work on how i feel.

∞ DT ∞