Blog entry for:

Tradition Three, kept me coming back, even though i had very little desire to stop using. i identified as an alcoholic-addict when i was attending a meeting in the **liquid fellowship,** and as an addict-alcoholic where i was attending a meeting in the fellowship that was to become my home. i kept coming back, even though it was just for show, but because the members that were there at those meetings, treated me with kindness and respect, when the time came, that i needed to find recovery, i knew where i needed to go. i went there and have never left, even though the desire to use, left me a long time ago and i have a minute or so clean.
today, as i start my heavy training week, i got the feeling that everything was going to be okay. my trip to Africa has just fell into place and i could worry about getting sick, the weather messing with my travel plans, ,or me not having the ability to do what is going to be required of me. i cannot influence the weather, i can take precautions not to get sick and most importantly i can keep working on training myself to climb and be okay, after all, i put six miles in this morning and my leg feels good, not perfect, but certainly not as if i want to have it removed.
i often say that it was the lack of an implied HIGHER POWER that led me to the rooms where i live in recovery today. that certainly was a huge factor, especially when in the other fellowship it did not feel as if i had a choice. even though i did not want to choose, eventually i did. the largest factor was the fact that i was a member when i said i was and it was not about being powerless over “all mind and mood altering substances.” the fact of the matter was, i drank when i could, because it was more socially acceptable than what i preferred and the chances of overdose, were not as extreme. i had stop identifying in that fellowship long before i was ready to come to recovery and i was a sham and a fraud, when i sat in those rooms. my opinion of those “poor sots” was one of pity, but i knew i could “look like” them without ever revealing who i was. the fellowship that is my home, did not offer me that freedom, as they seemed to know from the minute i showed up, what i was about and called me on my shit. today, i know how to welcome those, who like me, are not ready to be a part of, but are tired of being apart from. i know what it is like to be sitting on the fence in misery, wondering if this recovery shit is ever going to “pay off.” today i am grateful that i found a place to recover and i can extend the same welcome and insight as was shared with me, just for today.

∞ DT ∞