Blog entry for:

of course not. i find a way to be of service. as sit here on this final day of 2012, and start to ponder what i have to do today, which is not that out of my ordinary daily routine, i have a thought or two that may be off on a tangent. it has been quite the weekend for me, event filled and one where a lot of what i wanted to happen, did happen. i mean seriously, the Broncos earn the number one seed, no NY teams in the playoffs, Dallas and Chicago miss out on the dance as well, who could ask for anything better, however i digress. what i wanted to use that example is an illustration that even when stuff over which i am powerless, which of course i realize i am when it comes to the outcomes of professional sporting events, i can still have expectations and desired outcomes. when i serve, i live in a similar state, often enough, i only pretend that i am disinterested in the outcome of my efforts and get all butt-hurt when they are not gratefully acknowledged. based on what i see from some of those who have been here longer than i have been, that it not such an uncommon attitude, and i am starting to see why my sponsor is taking me in the direction he is taking me, i need to learn to detach what i do, from what i get out of it.
i know that in my early days, service was something that kept me coming back, and kept me clean, after all, IF i had to be at the same meeting every week to make the coffee, i might as well do my best to stay clean. i practiced fulfilling my first commitment and learned how to keep coming back in one fell swoop.
not too much longer, i was serving because i was the only one, who barely qualified, that may have been the only time, where i actually humbly served, because soon afterwards, i started my phase of service based recovery. the symptoms were there, and more than likely i did more good than harm, but after over a decade in that paradigm, i moved on and disappeared from that service arena. more and more, as i step further and further away, i see how what i could have become, had i stayed where i was, and being a bully or a petulant crybaby are not roles i relish at all, and yet, at times i was both.
so learning to serve in a new manner, following the direction set forth by my sponsor, is a new path for me to be set upon, and one that i am coming to see as the perfect direction for me, no more of this i will honor the spirit of rotation of service when i die bullsh!t for me, i will look for new and quiet opportunities to serve those in my life as well as carry a message of recovery to those who still suffer. i will serve as selflessly and yes as anonymously as i can and when i am busted, well i will own what i did and move on,. does that make me better than anyone else? not by one iota,. what it does make me, is a better me and after all, is that not the point of this whole recovery journey anyhow?

∞ DT ∞